Konosuba: God's Blessing on this Chuunibyou world
by Firelord67
Summary: Kazuma is your average everyday geek, attending school, playing games, you know, the usual. But everything changes the day he meets a chuunibyou named Aqua, who asks him to join on a fake but fantastic adventure in her world of magic. Joined by his best friend, and a masochist named Darkness, Kazuma embarks on an adventure in a world where nothing is real. Not canon to chuuniverse.
1. The NEET and the goddess

Kazuma sighed as he walked off to school. _Well, summer's over. Time to go back to studying, exams, and boredom. _

Like many teens his age, Kazuma mostly spent his time indoors playing video games. Sure, he had a few friends here and there, but they always ended up passing on to other things, while Kazuma was still in his low point. Not that it mattered to him, he simply kept to himself and only really came out for school. That was all. Go to school, get average grades, go home, play games, go to sleep. Nothing more, nothing less. That was simply how it worked for Kazuma.

Today, Kazuma was greeted by the most average of sights. A somewhat-pretty girl crossing the street. That, and the rather obvious red truck heading towards her.

Kazuma's eyes perked up.

"Watch out!" he picked up the pace. The girl turned around to face him a moment before he shoved her out of the way of the vehicle.

_A little bit later..._

He opened his eyes. Yes, there was the road, there was the sidewalk, and the girl... was staring down at him?

"Kazuma Satao," she said.

"How do you know my name?" Kazuma immediately said. Of course, he had larger questions on his mind, but that was the first.

"I sensed that the time had come, so I put myself in such a position,"

"Huh? Are you saying you got in front of that truck on purpose?" Kazuma sat up. Then he noticed that the girl had his student ID in her pocket. _So that's how she knew my name. Kinda strange, especially since she could have just asked me._

"It wouldn't have made a difference," the girl remarked. Then she smirked. "Though, you should consider yourself lucky that a goddess took interest in you,"

Kazuma was about to question further when the girl pulled at her hair. Her brown locks, that were revealed to be a wig, pulled off and revealed a waterfall of beautiful blue hair.

"You wear a wig over your dyed hair?" said Kazuma.

"I am Aqua, goddess of water and the afterlife," she smugly grinned at him. "And it seems fate has brought the two of us together for this meeting,"

"Wait for a second," Kazuma narrowed his eyes. "Dyed hair… wearing a disguise… using strange terms from the 13th century… I know what you are! You're a chuunibyou!" He got up and anime style swung his finger in her direction.

"Like water, I sweep the scum of humanity to become the energy that powers all of life!" Aqua continued, keeping the extrordinary smug expression on her face, "And that is what I shall do for you, wandering soul,"

"Excuse me?" Kazuma sighed. "Look, I have things to do and places to be, so I'll just leave you to…"

"Just see me in room 2-B after school!" said Aqua. She slipped her wig back on and hurried off somewhere.

Kazuma shrugged.

"What a strange girl," he said. Then he checked his watch. "Oh man, I'm gonna be late! I wonder if I'll be able to get away with saying that I was saving someone's life,"

Just then, Kazuma saw the back of a little red tractor driving off.

"THAT WAS A TRACTOR? Then again, if it had been a truck, it would've killed me,"

_At school..._

Kazuma sat by himself at his desk, reading manga, while the other students were socializing.

"Hey, Kazuma!" he heard someone say.

He looked up from the comic.

"Oh, hey Megami," he said.

Kazuma's only real friend in the world was Megami, someone who he'd known since childhood. She was fairly normal, short dark brown hair, pale skin, brown eyes, and fairly short stature. Of course, the irony being that this was not normal for Megami. Kazuma half expected her to show up with a 4-foot-long wooden staff and a red eyepatch. Megami had quite the chuunibyou last year.

"You seem… normal," Kazuma raised an eyebrow.

"Well, it's like you said," Megami took the seat right next to Kazuma. "Pretending is nice, but it'll never be anything like the real world,"

"Glad you're out of that nonsense," Kazuma looked her up and down. He never noticed it before, but she was actually really pretty.

"I did a lot of stuff over the summer," she smiled. "You're not gonna believe this, but… well… check this out!"

Megami reached into her bag and pulled out a framed sheet of paper. Kazuma's jaw dropped.

"Is that… a dan diploma?"

"You bet!" Megami put it back in her bag. "I was looking for something else to do with my life, and it turns out I'm really good at shogi! Anyway, what have you done this summer?"

"Oh, you know," Kazuma nervously rubbed the back of his head. _Megami too? What is it with everyone and suddenly finding a higher purpose than me? Now that I really think about it… what have I really done throughout my life? Besides waste time, make life worse for other people, play games, and read manga… I haven't done anything! I'm basically the scum of humanity!_

"Uh, Kazuma?" said Megami. "You look like I just crushed your entire world,"

"Huh, what?" Kazuma snapped back to humanity. "Oh, right! That's great Megumi! Do you think you're gonna become a professional player?"

"Maybe. I'm still only an amateur," she humbly stated. "But I got into a really good training group!"

"Well, I hope you make it big!"

"Don't we all," Megumi pulled out her things as class began.

Throughout the school day, Kazuma looked back on his life. _I really am scum. Nothing but wasted potential and inconvenient trash. What am I gonna do… wait a minute… that girl! She said that she brings people like me to a higher purpose! I have to see her again, it's my only hope!_

_After school…_

After clean-up time, Kazuma went straight for room 2-B. Inside, he saw yet another strange sight. Aqua sat on a chair, her legs crossed in front of her. She now wore a blue outfit, and her eyes were completely blue, like the ocean.

"Kazuma, I've been expecting you," she smirked.

"Have you been sitting there for the last few minutes just so you could say that as I walked in?"

"Yes," she smiled. "So, you want to have meaning in your life?"

"Absolutely!" said Kazuma. "I'll do anything!"

"Okay," Aqua stood up. "Then allow me to tell you the tale of our land. Long ago, the fearsome Devil King appeared upon this land and began terrorizing the villages. Except for walled villages, the entire world is now deserted! That's why we need adventurers like you to defeat the Devil King's monsters and free the land!"

Kazuma's face fell.

"Is this just some kind of elaborate set-up for a roleplay group?"

"What we do is beyond roleplay," Aqua took out a small brown card that looked similar to a character sheet for an RPG. "You won't just take an identity, you will become it! This is an adventure card. It details your stats, skills, EXP, and other stuff about you. Sign here and you'll join this magical adventure!"

Kazuma sighed.

"Well, it's better than what I have now," he took a pen out of his pocket and wrote his name at the top of the card. Then Aqua dashed behind him and wrapped her hands over his eyes.

"Hey! What the…"

"Visualize the land of magic," she said. "Standing in a guildhall with river music playing, the quiet murmurs of adventurers surrounding you. Kazuma Satou, prepare to leave your reality!"

"What the…?"

Aqua took her hands away.


	2. Character Creation and Freezing Water

Kazuma opened his eyes.

_Weird... I could've sworn that girl was just crazy, but somehow I feel... different._

He blinked and gasped. Just for a moment, he thought he saw some kind of magical construct. He could almost hear the faint sound of river dance music... wait a minute.

Kazuma looked over his shoulder. Sure enough, Aqua's phone was lying on a nearby shelf. The music was coming from that.

"Still..." Kazuma grinned. "The world feels... different somehow. In fact, it barely feels like the same world," A newfound sense of wonder began to arise within him. "I really can't believe this! It's almost like one of those anime where someone gets transported to a fantasy world! Wait, does this mean I can like, go on real quests and use magic?"

"You bet!" said Aqua. Kazuma squealed.

"I get to be a hero! Goodbye miserable hermit's life, hello chuunibyou fantasy life!"

"Great!" said Aqua, who immediately wrote down something on a clipboard. "This is great! A new club member on the first day!"

"Wait, what?" Kazuma raised an eyebrow.

Aqua cleared her throat.

"You see... not a lot of people know about this world. In fact, you're kind of the first person to actually take my offer,"

Kazuma took a deep breath. _Don't worry about it, you can work with this._

"Alright, looks like you an I are creating a party!" he immediately declared.

"W-what?" Aqua's eyes widened. "Y-you're not serious are you?"

"I mean, I gotta party up with someone, right? And you're a goddess!"

"R-right..." Aqua nervously rubbed her arm. "B-but only until we find some more members! Then I'm going back to my role as the goddess of water!"

"That's fine!" Kazuma almost laughed. "So... are you supposed to give me something?"

"Uh..." Aqua struggled to find words. She immediately grabbed a book off a nearby shelf. "Let me see... wandering souls... classes... races... ah! Starting equipment! Let's see... oh right! You need to pick a class!"

"Class?" said Kazuma.

"The rules of this world are like an RPG if you haven't already figured it out from the card,"

"Oh yeah," Kazuma looked at the brown piece of paper. "I thought there'd be more dice involved,"

"I told you, this isn't a game!" Aqua complained. "Now, there are a total of five classes, four of which can advance into strong versions of themselves. Oh, hang on!"

Aqua ran over to her phone and changed the music to a trumpet fanfare.

"First, the powerful knights with gleaming armor and powerful weapons! Next, the swift thieves who specialize in stealth and trickery! After that, the magical wizards that shape the very fabric of the universe itself! Followed by holy priests who heal friends, curse enemies, and wield magic that shifts the balance of life and death! Finally, adventurers who can do all of this, but significantly worse!" Aqua danced around, miming each class with surprisingly well-acting skills.

"Did you rehearse that?" Kazuma raised an eyebrow.

"Stop ruining the fantasy!" Aqua snapped.

"Okay, I guess I'll go for the adventurer," Kazuma wrote down his class name on the card.

"Good, now let's see..." Aqua pulled out a small blade. "A short dagger sword," she tossed it at Kazuma who fumbled about trying to catch it. "And this shirt would go nice!" she tossed a white tunic at him. "Oh, and this mantle would go great with your hair!" she followed with a green mantle. "And who could forget leather boots! And a belt for your weapon!"

After throwing the salvo of equipment, Aqua turned around to see that Kazum had already donned each piece over his uniform.

"This is really cool! So I just show after school wearing this?"

"Yep!" said Aqua. "Since I'm a part of your party, I'm an archpriest!" she showed him her own card. "One last thing to do, we need to determine your stats!"

"Oh, so I just have a bunch of points that I can distribute across..."

"What? No !" Kazuma's eyes widened when Aqua pulled up a large kendo blocker. "Now give me a good punch!"

"Okay..." Kazuma raised an eyebrow. He stepped one foot back, readied his land, and lunged with all the force in his body.

Aqua barely shifted an inch when he made contact.

"Strength is poor, but dexterity's good!" Aqua snatched his card and wrote some numbers on it. She placed the blocker on the ground. "Now jump over it!"

"This is definitely the strangest character creation I've ever done," Kazuma ran up the blocker and jumped. He almost cleared the top, but his foot knocked it over.

"Definitely low agility," Aqua scribbled a single-digit number. Then she pulled a shogi board out.

"I'm guessing this is the intelligence test?"

"You bet!" she arranged the pieces in a certain way. "Checkmate the king in five turns,"

"Oh yeah, Megami and I did problems like this all the time," Kazuma moved the pieces a couple of times. "Done,"

"Very high intelligence," Aqua wrote another number. She took a book off a shelf, turned to a page, and showed Kazuma a picture. "Find the dolphin,"

"Uh..." Kazuma squinted. "It's in the palm tree!"

"Average perception," Aqua kept up. These tests were getting stranger by the second. She pulled out a bowl of ice suspended in water. "Put your hand in here for as long as you can,"

She grabbed Kazuma's and stuck it into the bowl, releasing a scream from him. He pulled it out in a matter of seconds.

"Eh, pretty low spirit," Aqua took out twelve twenty-sided dice. "Now roll all of these,"

"Okay," Kazuma took the dice and rolled all of them. They all landed on seven.

"Wow, that's pretty high luck!" Aqua wrote the last of the numbers and handed the card back to Kazuma.

"That was definitely something,"

The school bell rang. Afterschool activities were over.

"Looks like our day of adventure is over," said Aqua. "See you tomorrow!"

Kazuma took off his "gear".

"You can keep that," said Aqua. "It's leftover props from the drama club,"

"Wow, really? Thanks!" Kazuma walked out the door, followed by Aqua.

_Kazuma's texts..._

**Kazuma: Hey, Megami!**

**Megami: Kazuma! How was school?**

**Kazuma: Pretty great. I joined a club.**

**Megami: That's amazing! I didn't know there was an anime or video game club!**

**Kazuma: What? It's not either of those!**

**Megami: Huh? That's strange. Well, what kind of club is it?**

**Kazuma: It's uh... I honestly don't know how to describe it.**

**Megami: Do you think I could join?**

**Kazuma: Join?**

**Megami: I mean, there's no shogi club, and any club with a friend is already great!**

**Kazuma: Well, it does sort of align with your... interests. But seriously, you'd be better off in literally any other club.  
**

**Megami: Are you sure? You and I do have a lot of things in common.  
**

**Kazuma: Trust me, you're better off elsewhere.  
**

**Megami: Well, alright then. See you tomorrow.**

**Kazuma: Alright, see you at school.**

Kazuma put his phone away.

"Kazuma! Dinner!" he heard his mother call from downstairs.

"Coming mom!"

_At dinner..._

"So how was school, sweetie?" said Kazuma's mother.

"Honestly, a lot better than a thought,"

"You met a girl, didn't you?"

Kazuma swallowed the water he was drinking.

"Maybe, but that's not the whole reason... why are you looking at me like that?"

Kazuma's mother looked as she'd just seen the forty thieves make out with a shinigami.

"I honestly expected you to spit that water out," she said.

"Okay..." Kazuma continued eating. "Well, she asked me to join her... role-play club, and I said yes,"

"Role-play?" she said. "Oh, you mean a drama club!"

"No, role-play is like a game where you pretend to be someone else and usually pretend to do things you wouldn't normally do, like magic,"

"Well, i'm glad that you're sociallizing," his mother smiled. "By the way, is that girl pretty?"

"Kind of, I guess," he said.

That night, Kazuma had something besides games on his mind.


	3. Slimy Frogs and the Ultimate Chuunibyou

"Welcome back!" said Aqua, as Kazuma walked into the room.

"You know, walking around in the halls wearing this stuff does draw quite a few eyes," he indicated to his gear.

"Remember, I'm only doing this until we get enough members that I can return to my status as a goddess," Aqua firmly stated. "But for now, I got us our first quest!" she pulled a slip of paper from her pocket.

"Well would you look at that, you can do something!" Kazuma smirked.

"What was that?" Aqua's eyes darkened.

"Nothing!" Kazuma quickly took it back. _That wasn't nearly as cute as I thought it would be._

"As I was saying," Aqua showed him the slip of paper. "The culinary faction desires Giant Toads to prepare a divine offering for the annual culture celebration. They're willing to pay us 2500 yen if we slay five of them in the next three days!"

"That's definitely enough to pay for some new assets!" Kazuma glanced about the rather barren club room. _Or at the very least, a more fantasy-like theme._

"Let's do it!" Aqua fist-pumped.

_At the school pond..._

"Come here, you!" Kazuma chased the little toad as it bounced about. "A little help, Aqua?"

Aqua simply sat on a nearby bench and laughed as Kazuma ran about the pond.

"Oh, this is priceless!" the self-proclaimed goddess remarked. "You're covered in pond water!"

_She's an absolute demon! _Kazuma narrowly grasped the slippery thing before it hopped into the water. "Oh, come on!"

"Kazuma-chan!" Aqua called. "If you want me to save you, then start by calling me 'Lady',"

"Aqua-sama!" Kazuma fell face-first into the pond trying to grab the toad.

"Fine, I guess I have no choice," Aqua laughed. "But you have to worship me from now on!"

_Man, this girl just won't stop with the torment! Did she just set this whole thing up so teenage boys will literally worship her?_

"First, when we get back to school, join the Axis Sect," Aqua counted on her fingers. "Second..."

"Aqua!" Kazuma exclaimed, as one of the toads jumped and landed on her chest, causing her to gasp.

"A... ah..." Aqua stammered. "AAAAAAAAAHH! GET IT OFF!" she frantically ran around.

_After an event..._

Kazuma looked at the toad lying dead inside the jar.

"That's one down, four to go," he said, panting. Aqua was crouched in a ball, crying. Her clothes, hair, and body parts were all covered in toad slime and pond water.

"Good thing it stood still while it was attacking you," said Kazuma.

"THANK YOU, KAZUMA!" Aqua cried as she desperately hugged him.

"Hey! Stop!" Kazuma said. _She smells horrible! _"Look, why don't we just go back inside, come up with a new plan, and then try again?"

"We can't go back!" Aqua immediately said. "If any of my followers saw me like this..." she indicated to her slimy body. "Then word would spread, and my reputation would be ruined!"

_She really does want teenage boys to worshipping her. Does she get off to stuff like that or something?_

"You!" Aqua caught sight of another toad. "How dare your kind interfere with the affairs of the divine! You shall pay for this insolence!"

Aqua dashed towards the pink toad.

"Looks like it's time to use a skill!" she whipped out her card and pressed her finger to one of the skills written on it. Then she balled her hand into a fist and swung at the toad. "GOD BLOW! THE FURY AND WRATH OF THE DIVINE! WHOEVER IT STRIKES SHALL PERISH!"

The toad simply hopped out of the way before Aqua could strike it. Aqua's face fell as the toad stared at her from a tall rock.

"You know, up close like this, you froggies are really cute!" Aqua nervously tried to ward it off.

The toad jumped at Aqua

"AAAAAAAHHH GET IT OFF!" Aqua exclaimed as the toad jumped about.

_A bit later..._

After bringing them both frogs, the cooking club agreed to pay the duo 1000 yen.

"We can't take those frogs on alone!" said Aqua, as the two of them in the club room. "We need some allies,"

"I agree," said Kazuma. "But let's be real, who would wanna hang out with two low-level adventurers with hardly any gear?" his eyes widened when he realized that he was starting to use the same terms that Aqua did.

"Don't worry, when they hear that I'm a part of this club, they'll be lining up to join!" Aqua chuckled. "I mean, not only am I a goddess, but I'm also beautiful!" Aqua got up and did a cute pose for emphasis.

"And yet you're not afraid to flaunt it," said Kazuma. "Wait, are you wearing panties?"

"Of course I am!" said Aqua. "I just put an invisibility spell on them so nobody pervs on me! Great idea, am I right?"

Just then, the door to the club room burst open.

"Is this the fabled Adventure Club?" said a high-pitched female voice. "Then it seems my quest for a suitable afterschool activity has come to an end!"

"Huh?" Aqua and Kazuma looked out the door. Standing in the hall was a short girl with pale skin, brown hair, and red-eye. The other eye was covered by a red eyepatch. She wore some kind of fusion between a witches outfit and a red priestess dress.

"My name is Megumin! I am an Arch-Wizard who wields the most powerful offensive magic in..." Megumin's jaw dropped when she noticed the boy in the room.

"Megami?" said Kazuma.

"You know her?" said Aqua.

"K-K-Kazuma!" Megumin tried in vain to cover her outfit. "Th-this isn't what it looks like!"

"I honestly don't even know what this looks like," Kazuma raised an eyebrow.

"Okay..." Megumin took a deep breath. "Can I come in?"

"Sure," said Kazuma.

Megumin sat down next to Kazuma.

"Aqua, this is Megami. We've been friends since we were kids,"

"I swear, I didn't relapse!" Megumin quickly said. "This has nothing to do with chuunibyou! I just use this persona for my shogi matches!"

"Relax," said Kazuma. "In case you haven't noticed, this really isn't the kind of place that judges people like that," he indicated to Aqua and himself.

Megumin sighed out of relief.

"My, Kazuma. I definitely didn't expect you to join a role-playing group!"

"For the last time, this isn't role-playing!" said Aqua. "We go on real quests, and use real powers!" she showed Megumin her Adventure card.

"Okay..." Megumin raised an eyebrow. Then she turned to Kazuma. "Real-world, huh?"

"I mean... I really wasn't doing much in the real world, so..." Kazuma nervously laughed.

Megumin shrugged.

"Anyway, since there's no shogi club, I thought it would be best to join this Adventure club,"

"That would be wonderful!" said Aqua. "You see, we're in a desperate need for a new ally for our party, and an arch-wizard would do nicely!"

"We're using _those _terms?" said Megumin. Kazuma nodded. She grinned. "Alright, I reckon if you yearn to regulate yourself with power so fearsome, its user has remained evaded due to disproportionate performance of it, then I shall gladly join your party! But beware should you stare into the ultimate abyss with me, then the abyss shall also stare into you!"

"Huh?" said Kazuma and Aqua.

"Let me see how well you do in a fight," Megumin reached to the side with one hand and held the other hand in front of her face in a V shape. She grasped a tall staff and twirled it like a baton. "Show me your fervor to manage crosswise the abyss and within my domain!"

"Huh?" Kazuma and Aqua said again.

"Show me your skills in combat!"

"Oh," they said.

"Well, good luck Aqua," Kazuma walked over to a nearby chair.

"Huh?" Aqua stammered. "W-why do I have to fight her?"

"I mean, we've got a lot standing on this, and, as much as I hate to admit it, you have pretty high stats,"

"Oh, why thank... huh?" Aqua noticed Megumin was dragging out the shogi board.

"Did you mean that we're going to fight through... shogi?" Aqua raised an eyebrow. Megumin cackled.

"That's what I meant! For an arch-wizard, shogi is the ultimate game of strategy! Shogi is truly magic in itself! And I, Megumin the most powerful tactic in the world!"

"How do you own a tactic?" asked Aqua.

"Don't ask, just play along," said Kazuma, longing on a desk.

"HEY! YOU'RE NOT THE ONE GIVING ORDER'S HERE!"


	4. EXPLOSION! And Darkness is here too

A couple of minutes later, Aqua and Megumin had already reached the endgame. Aqua had a rook and two bishops on the board, while Megumin only had a rook in her hand.

"Time to end this!" Aqua sent a lance to the last row of the board and promoted it. "Light Wing Holy Lance!"

"Not bad," said Megumin. She lowered her hat. "Now to show you my signature technique,"

Megumin picked up the rook.

"Darkness blacker than black, I humbly request that thee grant thine power..."

"Uh, what?" Kazuma raised an eyebrow. _Is this seriously what she does during her shogi matches?_

"Nay, turn atoms into dust, and dust into nothing! Let the kingdom of demise shine for the most powerful spell in all the land!"

Megumin slammed the piece down on the board, creating an extremely loud noise, almost like a gong.

"EXPLOSION!"

Aqua's jaw dropped.

"I… I lost," her face darkened as her head hung low.

"So that's why her intelligence stat is so low," said Kazuma. "I mean, even I could've beaten her!"

"Does thou now understandeth the power of a Crimson Demon?" Megumin cleared the board. Then she noticed that Aqua was on the brink of crying "You know I'm still joining, right?"

"REALLY?" Aqua immediately jumped in her face.

"Uh… yeah," Megumin backed off. "If Kazuma's here, then I will most certainly align myself with your party!"

"THANK YOU!" Aqua almost screamed. She took a deep breath. "Well, now that we have another adventurer, I guess I can go back to my role as a goddess…"

"I mean, we still need a healer," Kazuma pointed out.

"SERIOUSLY?" Aqua exclaimed.

"Never mind that," Kazuma sighed. "Let's get those frogs!"

_At the pond…_

"You've messed with me for the last time!" said Aqua. She lightly touched a part of her Adventure Card. "GOD REQUIEM!"

Aqua pulled out a tall white wand with a flower on the end and swung it at a little green toad.

Once again, the toad simply hopped out of the way and into Aqua's chest.

"Uh… ah…" Aqua stammered. "AAAAAAAAAAAA GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!"

Kazuma ran after her, as Megumin looked at her new Adventure Card.

"Hmm…Okay, I think I understand this," She whipped out her tall wand. "Darkness, blacker than…"

"JUST DO SOMETHING ALREADY!" Kazuma yelled as he tried to get the toad out of Aqua's clothes.

"EXPLOSION!" Megumin, after finishing her extremely long incantation, launched herself at the two of them with her wand outstretched.

_A little bit later._

"Nice work, Megumin!" Kazuma looked at the three dead toads in the jar. "You got three of them in one strike! Megumin?" Kazuma looked at his friend and gasped. Megumin was lying face-down on the ground, her head barely above the water.

"I… can't… move…" she struggled to say.

"Well, duh!" said Aqua. "You used all your mana on that one attack. You probably won't be able to move for a while,"

"So… worth it…" Megumin lay lost in her chuunibyou.

"Alright, let's get back to the club," Kazuma hoisted Megumin on his shoulders. Just then, another toad hopped on his back.

"Huh?" he said.

"WHY YOU!" Aqua reached for the toad but missed and accidentally knocked Megumin off of Kazuma's back.

"Ah!" Megumin yelped. Another toad jumped on her face. More toads began appearing around the adventurers.

"AAAAAAAAAAAA!"

_Much later…_

Kazuma handed the jar to the silver-haired girl.

"Here you go, Chris," he said. "Three toads,"

"Thanks," said Chris. "I'll give these to the cooking club, Here's your reward," she handed over 1500 yen.

"Sweet," Kazuma added the cash to his pocket.

"Uh, if you don't mind me asking, what's with those two?" she pointed to a drooping Aqua standing beside Kazuma, and Megumin who was draped over his back. All three of them were covered in slime.

"It was horrendous…" Aqua barely got out of her mouth.

"Please… no more frog slime," Megumin mumbled.

"Oh, that was just a workplace issue, don't worry about it," said Kazuma.

"Kazuma… " Megumin half said."So… much… frog…"

"What were you doing with them?" Chris' eyes widened

"Bye!" Kazuma said quickly.

A blonde-haired girl watched the situation from afar.

_Back at the club…_

"Yay!" Aqua clutched their reward money in her hands. "2500 yen! While it won't be enough to defeat the Devil King, it's a start!"

"What is this Devil King you keep talking about?" said Megumin, who currently lying on the floor, a pillow placed under her head.

"Only the most despicable creature to ever roam the earth!"Aqua's expression turned in a half-second. "The vilest, the most horrendous, the most...¨

"What did he do?" said Kazuma.

"DON'T INTERRUPT ME! It all started long ago," Aqua aimed a flashlight under face in a vain attempt to seem menacing. "The Devil King courted a foolish young goddess. He told that he would never leave her. But to her surprise, it was nothing but a trick…"

"Do you mean to tell me he's your ex-boyfriend?"

"CURRENT. BOYFRIEND." Aqua said. "We're just going through a… thing. And couples skip the dating period in this world, so we just get married on the spot. But it turns out I was only just a pawn in his mind game! He tricked me into giving him an Adventure Card," a few tears appeared in her eyes. "But… then he hurt me. He didn't even say goodbye… AND HE CALLED ME USELESS!"

"Are you okay?" said Megumin. Aqua bawled onto the floor.

"This is… awkward," said Kazuma. "So what do you think we should spend our money on?"

"Well, I was thinking we could start with…"

Someone knocked on the door.

"Um… hello?" They heard a shy voice say.

Aqua quickly switched back into the goddess mode and ran straight to the door

A blonde girl opened the door. She was tall, very curvy, and had a long yellow ponytail. She nervously looked around.

"Uh… the sign said this was the Adventure Club, and I heard voices from outside,"

"Greetings! Welcome to the Adventure Club! What kind of business do you have?" Aqua acted as if she hadn't just been crying.

"Well…" the girl looked almost as if she might melt with the way Aqua was staring at her. "I-I saw you two c-covered in f-f-frog slime, and… I was wondering if you have any spots available?"

"Absolutely!" Aqua beamed and handed her an Adventure Card. "Sign your name there. Everyone! We have a new member!"

"R-really? Just like that?"

Kazuma and Megumin stood up.

"That's Aqua," said Kazuma. "Don't mind her, she's just really anxious to get new members so she can go back to being the goddess,"

"Don't just tell people!" Aqua glared at him.

"I'm Kazuma, the arguably smartest one here, and this is Megumin,"

"Master of explosion!" Megumin quickly added.

"I'm… Darkness," she said.

"Enough with that!" said Aqua. "Let's find out who you really are!"

"My… what?" Darkness said.

"Allow me to explain," Aqua took a book off the shelf and read aloud from it. "By joining this club, you will embark on some of the greatest adventures known to mankind! Monsters, treasures, magic, far beyond your current life! In fact, you will have a brand new life, as a heroic individual with powers that you could only dream of!"

Darkness looked at her card.

"Is… this what you mean?"

"There's no need to be shy!" Aqua smiled. "In here, we all can be whoever we are in the inside, not who society wants us to be,"

Darkness returned a little bit of the smile.

_Oh, so she's the shy girl. Makes sense, we've Megumin's craziness, whatever the heck Aqua brings to the group, and my… being down to earth. She'll definitely balance us out pretty well._

"Let's start with that basics!" Aqua quickly stepped beside Darkness and wrapped her arm around her, much to her surprise. "Adventurer, Priest, Wizard, Knight, or Theif?"

"Well…" Darkness blushed. "I… always wanted to be a Knight. You know, protect people and stuff,"

"Excellent!" Aqua handed her a pencil. Darkness anxiously wrote down the word on her card.

"Now, it's stat time!" Aqua smirked.

"Oh dear…" said Kazuma.

_A long while later…_

Right from the start, Darkness clearly had plenty of strength, but no dexterity. In fact, she somehow managed to miss the kendo blocker right in front of her. Aqua simply had her do push-ups instead. She did do pretty well in terms of agility but fell slightly below Kazuma when it came to intelligence. Then came the spirit test.

Aqua pulled Darkness' hand into the bowl of ice water. But instead of screaming or staying silent, Darkness' face turned red and she let out a moan.

"Uh… what?" Aqua raised an eyebrow.

"Ah… my hand… It's… cold…!" she stammered.

"Is she… enjoying that?" said Kazuma.

After about five minutes, Aqua simply pulled Darkness' hand out.

"That's gotta be the most spirit I've ever seen!"

"That was amazing!" Darkness looked Aqua right in the eyes. "Do you guys do stuff like this all the time?"

"Well… not intentionally," said Megumin.

"Just today we were nearly eaten by toads!" Aqua cringed.

"Wow! Why didn't I join this club before?" Darkness squealed, her blush still on her face.

_Woah, her personality completely changed! Then again, most sexual deviants are pretty shy in everyday life. Definitely not as cute though. She's a full-on masochist!_

Darkness's luck was below average. Aqua wrote the numbers on her card, and reached into the chest.

"Alright, let's get you some equipment!"

Aqua handed her a large yellow sword and a suit of white and gold armor. When she was done, Darkness looked like a real knight.

"This is going to be great!" Darkness posed with her sword. "I can't wait to see what kind of horrible things are going to happen to me!"

_So much for having a normal member of this club. Well, at least she's submissive._

The bell rang.

"Looks like our adventures for the day are over," said Aqua. "See you tomorrow everyone! Keep an eye out for quests!"

The four adventurers took off their costumes and walked out the door. Just before Kazuma left school, he heard Megumin's voice.

"Hey, Kazuma!"

"Yes, I'm Kazuma,"

"I'm really glad that I joined this club!"

"Really?" Kazuma raised an eyebrow.

"I mean… I get to hang out with you everyday… I have two new friends… and I get to do cool stuff as well!"

"You mean like cast one spell?"

"It's an awesome spell!"

Kazuma sighed.

"So… what did Aqua mean about dating in this world?"

Megumin blushed.

"Uh… I read some of her rules. Basically… you're never a boyfriend or girlfriend, you can only have a spouse,"

"So you just get married on the spot?"

"It would seem like it," Megumin looked away.

Kazuma thought about everything that had happened since he joined the club. Then he realized that there was still one thing he needed to rectify.

"Hey, Megumin?"

"Hm, yeah?"

"What's up with your eye?" Kazuma hadn't noticed before, but Megumin's eye had somehow turned red, while the one that usually covered by her eyepatch was still dark brown.

"Oh, Crimson Demons have red eyes. The redness comes from a sealing spell that…"

"Megumin…" Kazuma glared at her.

"It's a dyed contact," Megumin sighed in defeat.


	5. Cabbages, and other delicious things

Kazuma sat in the middle of the classroom, listening to the teacher ramble on about math. Megumin was sitting in the seat next to the window, discreetly looking at a shogi book. Her long brown hair settling on her shoulders, her adorable figure highlighted by her loose-fitting uniform, and her eyes glinting in the sun, almost as if they really did have magic in them.

_She looks so… normal. It's hard to believe just yesterday she was obsessed with explosions and stuff. But now she's just a regular high school girl. Then again, nothing's really normal about what's been going on lately. If being a chuunibyou means having a great high school year, then count me in! I can't wait until the real fun stuff happens. Slaying dragons, getting rich, hanging out with a bunch of cute girls… that last one is a little far-off. Aqua's just… the worst, and Darkness is crazy! Megumin, well… uh…_

"Kazuma, can you answer this question?" the teacher said.

Kazuma snapped out of his trance.

"Oh, right!" he stood up. "The first step is to…"

_At lunchtime…_

As usual, Kazuma sat by himself on the school rooftop. As he sat by himself, he overheard a conversation between some students sitting just a few feet away from him.

"Did you hear about that new club that just opened?"

"Oh yeah, the Adventure Club. I heard it's mostly just a bunch of chuunibyou role-players,"

"That's what I thought, but it turns out they go on actual quests! And you can even hire them to do anything you want!"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, you just have to talk to that cute girl with the silver hair,"

"Chris? That girl always seemed pretty shady. I mean, she carries around a character card from an RPG,"

"Don't you do that too?"

"It's different! This is a Music Card, not an Adventure Card. The different club,"

"Oh yeah, that reminds me, can I join the Music Club?"

"Uh sure. I don't think the president will mind that,"

"Great! It'll be awesome to play music with my favorite person in the whole world!"

"Are you gay?"

"NO, I'M NOT!"

Kazuma smiled. _Looks like we're becoming popular. I bet we'll get a new quest pretty soon._

"Hey, Kazuma!"

He looked up from his lunch. Aqua was standing in front of him with her disguise on.

"Oh, hey Aqua,"

"I had some food leftover, so I made an extra lunch!" she took out a bento from her bag. "I don't know what to do with it, so I figured I'd give it to you!"

"Thanks… but I'm not eating anything you made,"

Aqua's jaw dropped.

"OH COME ON! This always works in anime!"

"Are you trying to court me?" Kazuma raised an unamused eyebrow.

"In your dreams. I'm trying to find more followers," Aqua sighed "Guess I'll have to try something else,"

_How does making people think she has a boyfriend make her more attractive to boys?_

Just then, Kazuma noticed Darkness walking over.

"If you're not gonna eat that, can I have it?" she said.

"Sure," Aqua handed Darkness the bento.

"Oh, and Chris is looking for you, Kazuma," Darkness added, as she took out a pair of chopsticks.

"Okay…" Kazuma got up. _What does she want with me?_

_In the hallways…_

"Hey, Kazuma!" said Chris. "Long time no see,"

"We met yesterday," Kazuma pointed out.

"Eh, who cares!" Chris chuckled. "Now, since you recently made me 500 yen, and I imagine there'll be more to come, I thought I'd give you some help,"

"Oh, so you're going to give me some advice?"

"More than that, I'm going to teach you a skill!" Chris smiled. "It's called Steal!"

"Steal?" said Kazuma. _Yes, finally! Some real powers!_

"Here's how you add a skill. First, write the skill on your Adventure Card,"

"Like this?" Kazuma wrote "Steal" under "Skills" on his card.

"Great! Then subtract two from your Skill Points, and I'll teach you how to use it,"

"Okay!" said Kazuma.

"Steal is a skill that lets you take an item from someone," Chris explained. "Run past the person you want to steal from, say the name of the skill, and close your grip. Got it?"

"I… think so," Kazuma did his best to memorize the sequence. _Run past them, say "Steal", close your hand._

"Great! Now we're going to see who can do it better! I'll steal an item from you, and you steal an item from me!"

"Wait, what?" Kazuma raised an eyebrow.

"GO!" Chris ran straight towards him. Kazuma yelped and started running too.

_Wow, I knew this fantasy thing would pay off! Day three, and I'm having an actual skill battle!_

"Ready… STEAL!" both adventurers yelled as they quickly dashed passed each other.

Chris skidded to a halt and opened her hand to see her reward.

_All right! I got his wallet! Wait, what did he take from me…?_

Chris checked herself. Then she felt around her legs.

"Oh no," she said.

Kazuma delightfully examined his loot. A blue pair of panties.

"I hit the jackpot!" Kazuma hooted as he waved the garment around like a flag.

"H-h-hey!" Chris flushed heavily. "Stop that! Give those back!"

_Back on the rooftop._

"This is really good, Aqua!" said Darkness.

"Thanks," Aqua smiled. "It's nice to have someone who cares about what I do,"

"What are you talking about?"

"Well…" Aqua blushed. "I mean, first there's the Devil King, who used me. Then there's Kazuma, who thinks I'm useless. Finally, there's Megumin, who's… Megumin,"

"Well, that's not true, I think you're great!" Darkness smiled.

"Really? You think so,"

"I mean, you're just so passionate about everything you do…" Darkness started to blush. "You're not afraid to do anything, you don't care about what everyone thinks. You just… do what you want. That's actually what I'm looking for in a boyfriend,"

"Boyfriend?"

"Well… yes," Darkness' face flushed darker.

Aqua giggled.

"You know, you look really cute when you blush!"

"R-really?"

"You do! All weak and defenseless," Aqua's speech started to slur. "Like you're about to suffer so much…"

_She's a sadist? Why am I surprised?_

_Club time…_

"Welcome back, everybody!" Aqua greeted the party.

"I'm so excited!" said Darkness. "When do we get to start questing?"

"Christ should be here any moment now," said Megumin.

"Hey, where's Kazuma?" said Aqua.

Kazuma walked in through the door, a very embarrassed-looking Chris following him.

"Sorry I'm late!" he said. "I had… business to take care of,"

"Kazuma…" Aqua looked at Chris. "What did you do?"

"Oh, Chris taught me a new skill! It's called Steal, and it's awesome!"

Chris was still blushing.

"No way…" Megumin's eyes widened.

"Did you steal her panties?" Aqua said bluntly.

"Don't say it out loud!" Chris exclaimed.

"My goodness!" Aqua looked horrified. Well, at least she tried to.

"Such shamelessness… do me next, Kazuma!" said Darkness.

"Okay, everybody, calm down! I gave her panties back,"

"Yeah…" Chris mumbled. "But did you have to ransom them for your wallet and that 200 yen?"

Everyone except Darkness gave Kazuma varying looks of disturbance.

Chris cleared her throat

"Anyway, the only quest I could find is for the Gardening Club. They want some help with the cabbage harvest,"

"Cabbages?" said Megumin.

"Cabbages?" Aqua panicked.

"Cabbages!" Darkness exclaimed

"Doesn't matter!" said Kazuma. "Let's go, Adventure Club!"

"That's my line!" said Aqua.

_Outside…_

One of the more muscular members turned to Kazuma.

"Better brace yourself," he said.

"Huh?" said Kazuma. _Weird, with the way he's holding that tool… I could almost swear he's ready for a fight._

Each gardener had a different tool or plant on their person, and they held their items like weapons. Kazuma could also see that each of them had a green version of the Adventure Card on them.

_Oh, I get it! Different clubs have different Skill Cards! And here I was thinking that I would never understand how this whole thing worked! Wait, how many chuunibyou students are at this school?_

"The storm is coming," Megumin peeked under her eye patch.

"Brace yourself," said one of the members.

"Let's do this!"

"My cabbages!" shouted one of the older members. He seemed very enthusiastic about this.

"BRING ON THE MAYONNAISE!"


	6. The First General

"It's harvest time!" the gardening club cheered.

"Wha…?"

Tens of students ran through the gardens, grabbing as many vegetables as possible. Most of them ran straight to the cabbages, but others focused on carrots or cucumbers.

"Attention, Gardeners!" a brunette who looked like the Head Gardener, shouted through a bullhorn. "The annual vegetable harvest has begun! This year's crop is especially good, so we've asked the Adventure Club to help us out! The values are 700 yen per cabbage, 250 yen per carrot, and 900 yen per cucumber!"

"Uh…" Kazuma looked at the many gardeners running around and snatching up vegetables, almost like warriors. "Can I just go back to bed?"

"UNLEASH THE MAYONNAISE!" Aqua snatched a cabbage from the patch.

"This is my chance!" Darkness tried to pick off cucumbers with her sword but somehow missed her target every time.

"Darkness, blacker than…" Megumin started.

"DON'T WASTE YOUR MANA!" Kazuma grabbed the back of Megumin's eyepatch. That certainly made her scream.

"AAAAAH! LET GO!"

Kazuma released the band, sending the elastic like a bullet her skull.

"OW!"

"Well, I'm already here. And I do need some money," Kazuma ran over to the vegetables. For whatever reason, he could now run much faster after joining the club.

"Steal!" Kazuma quickly snatched up a few vegetables. "Steal! Steal! Steal! Steal! Steal-wait what?" A black pair of panties somehow made its way into Kazuma's growing armful of delicious produce. He looked back over his shoulder and was greeted by Megumin's blushing face.

"What, did your stats go up or something?" Megumin struggled to make eye contact with him. "Cause I could swear you advanced from Adventurer to pervert,"

Kazuma sighed and handed them back to Megumin, before continuing his escapade.

_Okay… so each club has a Skill Card. Adventurers have RPG stats, while Gardeners have lists of what they can grow. Kind of like a farming game. And the Music Club also has its own card, but I don't know how it works. I think I finally understand this whole thing!_

Suddenly, he heard Aqua scream.

"EVERYONE GET AWAY FROM HER!"

Everyone turned. Aqua was accusingly pointing at a shy-looking girl with green hair.

"Um, excuse me, what are you doing?" the girl asked.

"What's she doing with Hanadoku?" said a Gardener.

"Don't play dumb!" said Aqua. "I know that unholy aura anywhere! You're one of the Devil King's generals!"

"I… I'm not!" Hanadoku trembled in Aqua's presence.

_Aw great, here we go again. Seriously, was she looking so hard for a bad guy, that she ended up using her ex-boyfriend?_

"I can prove it!" Aqua pulled out her staff. "Create Holy Water!"

Aqua dipped her staff into the pond, which was conveniently placed in the garden, and sent a splash of pondwater at a terrified Hanadoku.

"Aqua!" Kazuma exclaimed. "Now is not the time to take your revenge on your ex…"

"AAAAAAAHH!" Hanadoku screeched, falling to the ground. "IT BURNS!"

A collective gasp flew throughout the Gardeners.

"Oh my gosh… she is one of the Devil King's Generals!"

_Wha...?_

The Head Gardener stepped over to the screaming girl.

"Hanadoku!" she said, sternly. "Is this true?"

Hanadoku got to her feet, letting out a creepy chuckle.

"I suppose you've just found me out," she flashed them all a glaring eye. "But I still have the Gardening Card I came here for! And I'm going to give it to His Majesty right now!"

_You have got to be kidding me…_

Hanadoku cackled and ran off, but Darkness stepped in her way.

"Hold on!" Darkness brandished her sword. "A crusader's duty is to protect the innocent! And I will not allow you to escape the hand of justice that will close around you"

_She's really getting into the knight persona. Actually, I should probably help too. More like, OH MY GOSH I GOTTA HELP THEM!_

Kazuma ran over.

"Stop right there!" he yelled and drew his own blade. He slashed down her back, but she quickly evaded.

"Nice try!" Hanadoku pulled out a cabbage. "But you won't survive this!"

Hanadoku pulled another cabbage from her bag using her other hand while throwing the first one at Kazuma. "Barrage Cabbages!"

Kazuma braced for the impact, but it never came. Darkness had jumped in the way at the last second, and the cabbages were striking against her body.

"Darkness!" said Kazuma.

"Don't worry!" she exclaimed, a blush clearly forming on her face as she took in Hanadoku's barrage. "Just get her!"

Every cabbage smacked against Darkness' armor, sending pieces of it to the ground. She moaned as the cabbages began to strike her through her clothes, even tearing lewd rips into them, revealing glimpses of her milky white skin.

"She's sacrificing her body to protect her friends!" said one of the Gardeners.

"Such an amazing knight…"

"She's just freaky!" exclaimed Kazuma.

The Head Gardener turned to a subordinate.

"Call in the Scouting Club, tell them about the situation!"

"No can do, ma'am! They're having an affair with the Athletics Club!"

"What about the Literature Club, they're pretty strong!"

"They're absent!"

"The Music Club? The Gaming Club? The Occult Club? The Excorcist Club?"

"None of them are available, ma'am!"

_What is up with this school? And how many clubs are there?_

"Then I guess it's up to me!" Megumin pulled out her own staff. "That girl better prepare herself, for she is dealing with my mighty Explosion spell!"

"You're freaky too!"

"Such an enemy…" Megumin began to blush. "The thrill of fighting a powerful opponent… the endless shifting of the battle… the urge to release my Explosion is unbearable!"

"Stop making it weird!"

"Darkness, blacker than black. Combine with my deep crimson, and lift the veil to the kingdom of realms gone by! In the name of my clan, grant me the power to right the wrongs, and burn the unjust! EXPLOSION!"

Megumin pulled a shogi rook from her pocket and flicked it at Hanadoku.

"You might be strong, but you'll have to break… OW!" Hanadoku stopped throwing the cabbages and rubbed her cheek. "What the…"

Megumin screamed and ran straight at her, staff flailing.

_After an event that involved Darkness letting out a scream that sounded somewhat like pain, but also a bit more like ecstasy…_

"Uhh…" Megumin lay on the ground, unable to move. Darkness was also immobilized, but for a different reason.

"Such power… You truly are an arch-wizard!" she yelled through her blush.

"Hey, where'd she go?" said Aqua.

Hanadoku had mysteriously disappeared during the Explosion.

"She must have gotten away," said the Head Gardener. "Oh well, at least we got the card back!" She held up a blank Gardening Card. "I suppose that ends this year's harvest. Everyone! Come inside and we'll count up our vegetables!"

_Much much later…_

The Adventure Club, Cooking Club, and Gardening Club all sat inside of the Cooking Club room, eating delicious vegetable meals.

"This is unfair…" Kazuma mumbled to himself, eating his cabbage. "There's no way a simple cabbage stir-fry could be this delicious!"

"It's hand-grown!" said one of the Gardeners.

"Locally sourced!"

"Hand-made!"

"Completely organic!"

Kazuma rolled his eyes. _Hippies._

"WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!" he heard Aqua yell. "A measly 2800 yen? I caught tons of cabbage!"

"Yeah…" the Head Gardener blushed. "Um… most of your harvest was lettuce,"

"LETTUCE? WHY WAS THERE LETTUCE MIXED IN!"

"Look, I'm sorry but…"

Kazuma sighed. _An egotistic goddess. An explosion-crazy chuunibyou. And a masochistic pervert. Possibly the strangest party I've ever had. Then again, I suppose that this could be kinda fun._

"KAZUMA!" Aqua suddenly appeared right next to him. "Uh… do you mind helping me out? I… kinda thought that I would end up with more money, and sort of racked up a bit of debt… PLEASE GIVE ME SOME MONEY!"  
_Fun… right?_


	7. Gods and Angels

_Another day, another generic class. _Kazuma sat at his desk, finishing up his assignment. _Honestly, I don't know what's worse. The unending dullness of reality, or the sheer chaos that is my after school club. Well, at least I get to hang out with Megumin._

Kazuma noticed a blue haired boy with a stressed expression on his face. _Huh. He must be really bad at physics._

"Alright everybody!" said the teacher. "Pass your essays to the front,"

Just as Kazuma handed his essay forward, the blue-haired boy jumped up, pointed out the window, and screamed "EVERYBODY, LOOK OUT THERE! THERE'S A 500 FT BAMBOO SHOOT COMING OUT OF THE GROUND!"

_Huh?_

Nobody seemed to notice the boy as he sat back down.

_What the heck was that about? Anyway, I sure hope that…_

Suddenly, as if being pulled by a string, the boy's chair fell out from under him causing him to fall straight to the ground.

"ACK!" he screamed as he fell face-first.

Everyone gave him confused looks before returning to their tests.

Kazuma barely noticed the string being held by the dark pink-haired girl behind the boy, as well as the smug look on her green eyes.

_Weird._

"Okay, now I'm going to randomly distribute your essays among your peers," said the teacher. "I want you to carefully examine the essay and spot any places that can be improved,"

The pink-haired girl used a rubber band to shoot a note to a much older boy wearing glasses. The boy opened the note and nodded to the girl.

Kazuma examined the essay he was given.

_Kanade Tachibana? Who's that? And what's up with this whole 'alien invasion' stuff? I thought this was a physics essay._

Just then, the boy with glasses stood up.

"Is something the matter?" said the teacher.

The boy straightened his glasses and said "The truth is…"

He flung his shirt off, revealing an extremely muscular torso. "Wearing a shirt makes me look so scrawny!"

_What the heck? Nothing is normal in this school._

Hardly anyone addressed the boy's sudden muscles.

"Please put your shirt on," said the teacher.

The boy sighed in defeat and started to put his shirt back on, when his chair fell over with a clatter just like the first one.

"AGH!" Once again, it grabbed the attention of the other students for a moment.

_Weird._

Kazuma shrugged and began revising. But the essay in front of him was now different. The name at the top now said 'Kazuto Kirigaya." The content had now changed to a reasonably good physics essay.

_What the..,?_

Kazuma shrugged and continued.

_Much later..._

"Oh, manatite staff!" Megumin clutched her new weapon to her body. "I can feel your magical powers throbbing!"

"Stop it, that's weird," said Kazuma. He moved the round table to the center of the room.

"That cabbage quest was really what we needed!" Aqua set up a photograph of herself among numerous candles and bowls. "Now I can finally put my shrine up!"

"A shrine… for yourself?" Kazuma rolled his eyes.

Darkness guzzled down a bottle of sports drink.

"I'm feeling so exhilarated!" Darkness squealed. "When will Chris get here? I want to go questing!"

Aqua pulled out her phone.

"WHAT?" she exclaimed.

"What is it?" Kazuma sighed.

"Since Hanadoku was discovered, most of the students are too paranoid to set up quests!" Aqua sobbed. "Now it's just a bunch of super-hard ones!"

"Like what?" said Megumin. "Giant drunken apes?"

"No, assination,"

_What is up with this school?_

Since there weren't any quests today, Megumin asked Kazuma to help with her shogi training while Aqua and Darkness looked for other things to do.

"So… why are we practicing in the girl's bathroom?" said Kazuma, as Megumin set up the board.

"There are rumors of a dark spirit haunting this bathroom," Megumin did some kind of weird shonen thing with her hand. "Which makes it perfect for a hideout!"

"Okay… but couldn't you do this on your own?"

"Then I wouldn't be able to use the real board,"

"Okay… guess I'll go first,"

He remembered the few things he picked up while watching Megumin play. She always began with a bishop exchange if possible, and prioritized taking the rook over everything else. They started with a double-wing attack, and Kazuma quickly built a Static-Rook Anaguma, while Megumin left her king unguarded. While her strategy left her open during the earlier stages it was immensely powerful once the mid-game began. Kazuma, of course, knew this and tried to stream-snipe her, but she defended with a well-placed gold general.

As the minutes ticked by, the two of them lost track of time as they played round after round of shogi.

"...all to ash! Explosion!" Megumin set the rook down a few spaces from Kazuma's king.

"Well, you win again," said Kazuma.

"Don't fret, the power of a Crimson Demon is not to be compared!"

_Meanwhile._

"13...14...15…" Darkness counted, "Keep up, Aqua!"

"Goddesses are not meant to exercise!" Aqua whined as the two of them did push-ups.

"I can see that!" Darkness giggled.

Just then, a knock was heard at the door.

"Oh, thank me!" said Aqua, as she immediately hopped up to answer. "Yes?"

At the door, was a tall dark pink-haired girl with green eyes.

"Hello. Is this the Adventure Club?"

"Why yes!" Aqua said cheerfully.

"Good. We need your help with an operation. Come to the Music Club for further information at 0600 sharp," The girl rushed off without any more explanation.

"That was a little odd," said Darkness.

"Ah, who cares?" Aqua smugly grinned. "I bet we're getting paid big time for this!"

"If you say so. Shouldn't we get the others?"

"They'll be fine!" Aqua gathered her things. "Now let's suit up!"

_Soon, at the Music Club room._

Darkness and Aqua walked inside, just before two students shut the door behind them.

"Thank you for coming," said the pink-haired girl. "My name is Yurippe, and we have the most urgent of tasks for you to undertake,"

"Sounds good!" said Aqua. "How much are we being paid?"

"We'll discuss that later," Yurippe clapped twice. A student shut the lights off, while another turned on a projector that displayed an image of a spinning insignia.

"Ugh, we have to rely on another club for this?" said a black-haired girl standing in the shadows of the room. "This is so stupid,"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING STUPID?"

"Quiet, Shiina!" said an orange-haired boy. "The Adventure Club is the only way to complete Operation Dark Angel!"

"Dark Angel?" said Aqua. "You mean, like a succubus?"

"No, not that. Takeyama, give them the briefing,"

A short boy with a fountain haircut and glasses went over to a laptop. "Of course. Also, call me Christ,"

The screen showed an image of a white-haired girl with yellow eyes and a blank expression.

"In our recent attempt to exterminate Angel, or Kanade Tachibana as you might know her, we managed to successfully destroy her Student Council card by jeopardizing her grades," Yurippe explained.

"Wait, exterminate?" said Darkness. "But… this is supposed to be a Music Club,"

"We are the Music Club," said the orange-haired boy. "But we're also the Not-Dead-Yet Battlefront,"

"The what-now?" said Aqua.

"The name's a work in progress," Yurippe pointed a yardstick at the picture of Angel. "Angel has been constantly sabotaging our performances, so we're dedicating our time and resources to taking her down! As I was saying, after destroying her card, Angel went AWOL and now we have no idea what happened to her. We need you to find her, and, if necessary, destroy her,"

"An extermination quest?" said Darkness, "I don't know, this seems to go against our code of…"

"Sure!" said Aqua. She grabbed Darkness' hand. "Come on, Darkness! Let's go annihilate her!" Aqua dragged Darkness out the door before she could argue.

Yurippe blinked.

"Well, that was easier than I thought," she said.

"Remind me again what we're paying for this?" said a blue-haired boy with a visible bump on his head that resembled an injury from a chair being pulled out from under someone.

"Eh, we'll just give em tickets. That always works," said a bright-pink haired girl holding a guitar. "Yui, go prep the microphones for tonight's show,"

"Yes, Iwasawa-senpai!" a much younger girl wearing devil horns and a bright pink wig said.

**Okay everyone, calm down. This is not a crossover, I repeat, THIS IS NOT A CROSSOVER!**

**While I was writing this story, I wondered how exactly I would execute certain things from Konosuba into a high school, such as the cabbage raid. I realized that the only way to do this was to make nearly every student a chuunibyou. Then I thought, what if each club was a parody of a popular anime? So, I thought of some of my favorite anime and designed a generic high school club around it. For Angel Beats, a music club made the most sense. Then, I realized that scenes containing characters besides the main cast would require different clubs, such as an occult club for Wiz. **

**I promise this is still a solely Konosuba story, simply with an excess of anime references. Even if you don't get some of them, I will do my best to make sure you enjoy it**

**Here are other clubs that I plan to add.**

**Occult Club.**

**Gaming Club.**

**Exorcist Club.**

**Literature Club (That one's a dead giveaway)**

**Athletics Club**

**Host Club (Not what you're thinking)**

**Card Game Club (Exactly what you're thinking)**

**Student Council**


	8. Guard Skill: Distortion

"You win," said Kazuma. Both of them let out a sigh of exhaustion.

"Man, playing shogi is fun, but it's still tiring," Megumin giggled "I really like playing with you, Kazuma." A little blush appeared on her face.

"Don't say it like that, it's super weird," Kazuma said with stoic absolution.

"Eek!" Megumin's face went completely red. "You noticed?"

"I'm not one for cliches, and I'm not stupid," Kazuma explained. "What? Were you expected I would get flustered and try to correct you? Of course not."

"Eh?" said Megumin.

"Consider, for instance, you were in love with me and another girl was making moves on me. If you were to inflict some unjust violence on me out of jealousy, I would fight back with no hesitation!"

Kazuma stood and struck some Ace Attorney pose. "I'm a man who does what he has too! You'd do best to remember that!"

"Ah… ah," Megumin closed her hanging mouth. Then she started to laugh.

"Huh? What did I say?"

"I thought you would get embarrassed and yell at me…" she paused her laughter. "But instead you went on a tangent about anime cliches!"

She cupped her cheek in her hand and tilted her head. "I knew you were into me, but you don't have to go _that _far to hide it!"

Kazuma shrugged.

"Uh, who cares. Anyway, I bet Aqua and Darkness are doing something super boring right now,"

_Meanwhile, in the forest outside the school…_

"Aqua! I could really use some help here!" yelled Darkness as she fruitlessly attempted to slash at Angel with her sword. Her target was barely even trying to avoid her attacks, Darkness just kept missing for no apparent reason.

"Just keep her occupied!" Aqua was currently taping something together. "Once I finish this Slave Card, we can safely return her to the Music Club and get paid!"

"How insensitive!" Darkness blushed, "I've got more important things to worry about than your financial gain!" Angel proceeded to pull a blade-like object out of her bag.

"Hand sonic," she said, before taking a slash at Darkness. She panicked and parried with ease, but was unable to counter properly.

"Guard Skill: Delay."

Darkness gasped and Angel vanished and reappeared behind her, this time with two Hand Sonics.

"She did a thing, Aqua! She did a thing!"

"You have Skills too, remember?" Aqua said.

"Oh right!" said Darkness.

Angel twirled about, slashing Darkness with both blades.

"Agh!" She tried to block. "This is far more intense than I presumed!"

Darkness managed to block both of Angel's blades with her sword, leaving the two locked by their weapons.

"Ghn…" Darkness strained against Angel's strength. "This is madness, watching those cold red eyes mercilessly stare at my damaged armor, trying to get a glimpse of my naked body!" She started to blush.

"Guard Skill: Overdrive," Angel batted Darkness away like a stuffed animal. She got to her feet.

"Uh… what was my Skill again?" she tried to remember. "Oh right!"

Darkness ran straight at Angel, sword raised. "Thunderous Smite!"

"Guard Skill: Delay." Angel shifted about two inches to the right to avoid Darkness' attack.

"You can't hit stationary targets either?" exclaimed Aqua.

"I got this!"

"Guard Skill: Distortion."

Angel was about to slash again but was immediately smacked off by a swift hit from Darkness.

"Hey, I hit her!"

"Huh?" said Aqua. "Oh right! Distortion is a Skill that temporarily reverses the percentage probability of attacks against the user!"

"Huh?'

"It makes high accuracy low, and low accuracy high! The latter in your case!"

"Oh, I see!" Darkness hit Angel, again and again, the girl having much more trouble avoiding her attacks due to her poorly chosen Skill.

"Guard Skill: Delay."

Angel hopped out of the way of Darkness' next attack, and also knocked her sword out of her hand with her Hand Sonic.

"Uh oh," said Aqua.

Darkness balled her hands into fists.

"Flurry of Blows!"

She caught Angel off-guard with a swift right hook and left uppercut, before following with a roundhouse. Angel drew her hand sonic, but Darkness right snap-kicked her right in the face.

"And… done!" Aqua pulled a gray card off the nearby table. Angel stopped moving, frozen like a statue.

Darkness panted as she picked her sword up.

"Nice moves, Darkness!" said Aqua as she walked over to the frozen Angel. "Angel, assume the standard position."

Angel collapsed her pose and stood straight like a soldier.

"Angel, follow me."

Angel walked over to Aqua.

"Excellent!" Aqua smiled.

"What is that?" said Darkness.

Aqua showed her the card.

"This is a Slave Card," Aqua explained. "As a goddess of the afterlife, I can create them to control Cardless undead creatures. And since an angel is technically an undead, it works just as well! Angel will now do whatever I tell her to do,"

"That's amazing!" said Darkness.

"Yep. Angel, tell me how pretty I am," Aqua leaned in.

"Aqua is the most beautiful in the entire world," Angel said nonchalantly. Aqua laughed.

"Why, thank you!"

"Let me try," Darkness took the card. "Angel, catch me in a submission attack,"

"Wait, don't…" Angel jumped forward and tackled Aqua into the ground.

"Ack!"

"Huh?" said Darkness.

"She always assumes I'm the one talking!" said Aqua.

"Oh, sorry! Angel, get off."

Angel got off of Aqua, who took the card.

"Angel, make a reference to a popular anime,"

Angel drew her hand sonic.

"I'll use my frying pan…" she placed the weapon on her head. "As a drying pan!"

Aqua and Darkness stared for a moment, before bursting into laughter.

"Oh my gosh… she looks ridiculous!" said Aqua.

"Yes… you should make one of those cards for me someday!" said Darkness.

Angel ignored them as she expressionlessly stood with her Hand Sonic on her head.

"What are you two doing?" said someone else.

Darkness and Aqua looked up to see an orange-haired boy standing above them.

"Oh, sorry," they said as they got up. Then they noticed an exact duplicate of Angel standing beside him, only this time with bright yellow eyes.

"What are you doing with my sister?" said the yellow-eyed Angel.

"Uh…" Aqua was at a loss for words. "Well, you see…"

_Back in the Music Club room…_

"I see," said the orange-haired boy. "So, you actually ended up chasing Angel's sister, while the real Angel was just sitting in the cafeteria,"

"Ehehe, sorry," said Aqua. The red-eyed Angel simply stood there.

"And you made her a Slave Card for your own amusement," said the yellow-eyed Angel.

"Well, it wasn't for that…"

"She was so powerful…" Darkness hid her blush with her hands. "Every one of her strikes against my body…"

"Don't phrase it like that!" said Aqua.

"What did you do with my sister?" said the yellow-eyed Angel.

"N-nothing," Aqua sighed and took out the Slave Card. "Here, you take it," she handed the card to Angel, who ripped it up.

The red-eyed Angel's eyes popped up.

"Nee-chan? What happened?"

"It's time to go home, Angel," said the yellow-eyed Angel.

"Okay," the red-eyed Angel walked out the door.

"Sorry, she can get a little aggressive sometimes," said the yellow-eyed Angel.

"I noticed," said Darkness.

"So, what are you going to do now?" said Aqua.

"I'm joining the Music Club," Angel held up a Music Card.

"We made up," said Yurippe. "Turns out she was just lonely and wanted to help us find true happiness or something."

"Well, it looks like that cleared up nicely!" said Aqua. She gave Yurippe an innocent smile. "Now, about our pay…"

"Here," Yurippe handed over some money.

"Thanks, now… WHAT? 25 YEN?! I NEARLY GOT KILLED FOR 25 YEN?!"

"Oh, and this too," she handed her a few tickets.

"Thanks, now… what the heck?"

"Free tickets to the performance tonight," said Iwasawa. "And a plus-one for each of you!"

"Oh, I guess I'll give mine to Kazuma!" said Darkness.

"Why?" said Aqua.

Darkness caught her in a bear hug.

"So I can go to the concert as your date!"

"Okay… I don't see the difference there…"

_Meanwhile…_

"Steal!" Kazuma snagged Megumin's rook with a well-placed knight.

"I-impossible!" said Megumin. "But then…"

"You can't win without your rook, right?" Kazuma chuckled darkly. "Which means the game is mine!"

Megumin sighed and bowed.

"I surrender. You win, Kazuma," she said.

"Finally!" said Kazuma. They started picking up the pieces. "There's no way Darkness and Aqua could be having nearly as much fun as we are!"

_Back in the Club Room._

"Hey, guys! I got us tickets to the concert tonight!" said Aqua.

"You mean, we did?" said Darkness.

"Yeah, that. They're gonna be playing Alchemy!"

"Wait, that band?" said Megumin. "I love GDM!"

"GDM?" said Kazuma.

"Girls Dead Monster," said Megumin.

"Oh, that one."

"Well, what are we waiting for?" said Darkness. "Let's go!"


	9. Life from Zero in this Wonderful WARUDO

The next day brought new challenges for our young hero. Namely, more references.

_Another day, another bunch of classes. _Kazuma walked through the hallway. _If only I could use my Skills to just skip them all._

Just then, Kazuma noticed a cute-looking blonde girl walking in the opposite direction of him.

_Then again, there's no saying I can't have fun…_

Kazuma discreetly reached out a hand and picked up his walking pace.

_Got to time this right…_

When the girl was right next to him, Kazuma whispered "Steal," and closed his hand around something.

The girl, none the wiser, kept on walking as Kazuma looked for his prize.

_Let's see… hey, this isn't panties! It's some kind of weird emblem thingy. Must belong to that girl. Oh well, maybe I can get a ransom off of it. Unless that girl is part of some chuunibyou club that gives her superpowers or something._

Kazuma shrugged and continued on with his day.

_Class time…_

"We have a new transfer student today," said the teacher. "This is Natsuki Subaru."

A boy, around Kazuma's age, stood in front of the class. He had smallish brown eyes, messy black hair, and a kinda goofy-looking face. Kazuma's word, not mine.

"Hello, I am Natsuki Subaru!" Subaru struck some kind of pose. "I'm ready for a fantastic school year with friends!"

_Emphasis on the fantastic._

"Please take a seat, Subaru," said the teacher. He walked over to a seat beside Aqua and sat down.

"Now class, today we will be returning to…"

_Club time_

"Hello everybody!" said Aqua, as the three Adventurers entered the room.

"Please let there be a quest today!" Megumin was nearly bursting with excitement.

"Please don't ruin the floor," said Kazuma.

"Okay, everybody!" said Aqua. "Today, I received word that the Host Club has a task for us. But only two Adventurers will go,"

"Only two?" said Megumin. She did her weird pose. "One of them will clearly be me, for my Explosion magic will prove invaluable for any situation!"

"I guess…" Aqua shrugged. "Anyway, Kazuma and I will take the Host Club quest, while Megumin and Darkness will hold down the fort,"

"Whaaaaa…?" Megumin's jaw dropped.

"Fine," Darkness stretched her limbs out. "That battle yesterday really took a lot out of me,"

"Good. Let's go, Adventure Club!" Aqua cheered.

_Later…_

As they walked to the Host Club, Kazuma and Aqua were greeted with a perfectly normal scene. The new transfer student examining a list of Clubs.

"Let's see… clubs…clubs... OH MY GOSH!" Subaru's eyes widened like saucers when he noticed Kazuma and Aqua.

"Uh… hi?" said Aqua.

"Fantasy attire… dyed hair… weird card-like object… extremely attractive goddess-figure…"

"Why thank you!" Aqua gave the kind of smile that could break a wrestler's will

"It can't be!" he gasped.

"Can't be what?" said Kazuma.

Subaru dropped the list of clubs and clasped his cheeks.

"This isn't a high-school-slice-of-life-drama-type situation!" his face stretched and he yelled. "THIS IS A FANTASY-SENT-TO-ANOTHER-WORLD-ADVENTURE-MAGIC-RPG-TYPE SITUATION!"

"Huh?" said Kazuma.

Subaru did an Ace Attorney pose at Kazuma.

"You must be some kind of NPC to help me discover my hidden power! And you must be the cute heroine who summoned me to this world!"

"Well, someone certainly catches on quick!" Aqua laughed. "If you'd like to join the Adventure Club…"

"Wrong!" Kazuma returned the finger. "I am a powerful Adventurer! Allow me to demonstrate!"

Kazuma flicked his hand at Subaru.

"Tinder!"

"GAAAAAAAAAAH!" Subaru screamed and rolled about on the floor.

_It's already gotten to him. Have mercy on his soul._

Subaru panted.

"You may be strong," he giggled. "But when my main character powers come around, you'll be sorry you did that!"

"I doubt that," said Kazuma. "Last time I checked, I was the main character of whatever adventure this is."

"Really?" Subaru got up and rubbed his chin. "Then this must be a crossover of some variety. Two main characters on different but simultaneous adventures. Then forgive me, this goddess must be _your _heroine."

"She's not," said Kazuma, with absolute resolution. "Period."

"I'm not," said Aqua.

"Okay…" Subaru raised an eyebrow. "Well, farewell you two! I'm off to find my adventure among the clubs!" he dashed off.

"Weird," said Kazuma. "That guy has something wrong with him,"

A girl with white hair stood outside the room to the Host Club. She had bright purple eyes, a white flower in her hair, a dress-like cape over her purple and white shirt, elf-like ears, and a small grey kitten on her shoulder.

"Oh, hello!" she said. "Are you from the Adventure Club?"

Kazuma examined his and Aqua's very obvious fantasy attire.

"We are!" said Aqua. "So what do you want us to do, and how much are you paying for it?"

"I uh…" the girl fidgeted a bit. "...lost the club insignia and now we really need it back,"

"You what?" said Kazuma.

"Well, it was technically stolen!" she stated. "By a small girl with yellow hair. We'll give you 1500 yen for the insignia, and 5000 for the girl,"

"Well, what does it look…"

"Don't worry, elven princess! We will retrieve your insignia and the thief!" Aqua swiftly grabbed Kazuma by the neck and stomped off.

"Hey… wait!"

The girl simply smiled and waved at them.

"They seemed like nice people, don't you think, Puck?" she said.

Puck mewed (Well, that boy did. Not sure about his girlfriend though, Emelia.)

Emelia's face fell.

"Don't use that name!"

(Oh right, Satella)

Just then, Emelia heard the sound of someone talking.

"...and that is why you do not mess with Dio!" came a manly adult voice. "Now, give me your meal ticket! That Music Club blew away my supply for the next week, and I need my beef udon! BEEF UDON!"

"Oh yeah, take this!" she heard the voice of the new transfer student.

Emelia walked over, to see Subaru wrestling with a muscular upperclassman with spiky blonde hair, red eyes, and a green headband.

Subaru tried to throw a punch, but his hand stopped in mid-air by an unseen barrier.

"What the…"

"Hah! That right there is my Stand, The World! The most powerful Stand of them all!"

"What the heck is a Stand?"

"Stop right there!" yelled Emelia before she could stop herself.

Dio turned his head around.

"Why look who showed up?" he sneered.

"Get your hand off him!" she raised her arm. "Soul Crystal Shot!"

Emelia reached into her pocket and tossed a few blue plastic crystals at Dio. He let go of Subaru to block with his hand.

"Impressive," he said. "But it'll take more than that to…"

"RUN!" Emelia yelled. Subaru realized what she was talking about, and the two of them made a break for it.

"Hey! You're not supposed to run in the middle of my speech!" Dio yelled after them.

"Who cares!" Subaru yelled.

"Why you… when I use my Stand, you'll be sorry!"

"Wait, is that a Persona reference?"

Dio grunted in frustration as Emelia and Subaru ran out of his field of vision.

"Phew… good thing he's not the running type," said Emelia. "What were you thinking, challenging a guy like him?"

Subaru simply stared for a moment.

"You… saved me,"

"Ah… don't get the wrong idea, I did for my own benefit only!" she quickly said. "Anyway, do you happen to recall seeing a girl who looked like a thief? She stole something very important from me,"

"Looks like a thief? Well, that does remind me of…"

_Meanwhile…_

"So, where should we look first?" said Kazuma. "I mean, we barely even know what it looks like?"

"Not to worry!" Aqua proudly announced. "I have a spell for this exact situation!" she pulled her staff out of her bag. "Locate object!"

Aqua closed her eyes. As if being pulled by her string, her hand began to drift away from her, towards Kazuma. She felt something and closed her hand around it.

"HEY! GET YOUR HANDS OFF!" Kazuma gave her a straight punch to the face.

"Ow!" she whined. "Don't ruin my good looks!"

"Well, that spell clearly doesn't work right," Kazuma rubbed his chin. "What's plan B?"

"Um…" Aqua twiddled her fingers. "I don't have one?"

"Are you serious?" said Kazuma. "Fine. Let's go back to that girl and…"

"No! My followers can never believe that their beloved goddess was at fault! I have a reputation!"

"Are you serious?" Kazuma sighed. "Fine, I'll just call Chris,"

Kazuma pulled out his phone.

"Hello?" he said.

"You're such a naughty boy," he heard Megumin's voice say. "What kind of panties are you wearing?"

Kazuma hung up. _Wrong number. Also, what is it with her and picking up the phone like that? If she's into me, then she should just say it. Then again, the likelihood of that is zero to none._

"Hello? Chris?"

"Huh? Who's Chris?" he heard a girl say. "My name is Eris,"

"ERIS?" Aqua snatched Kazuma's phone away. "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING WITH CHRIS' PHONE?!"

"Gah! Aqua-neechan? Hang on, I'll get Chris!" Eris said. "Hey Chris, Kazuma is calling you!"

There was a sound that sort of sounded like an exchange of a phone, but more like the same phone being put down and picked up.

"Hello? Kazuma?"

"Oh, Chris, finally!" said Aqua. "Say, what were you doing with my little sister?"

"Uh… nothing, Aqua-neechan, I mean, uh... Aqua-senpai?"

"Good enough," she handed the phone back to Kazuma.

"We're looking for an insignia that belongs to the Host Club. Do you know where we can find something like that?"

"Oh yeah. Some girl named Felt snatched that. Us rogues are bidding on it at the Dicey Cafe in half an hour. See you there?"

"Uh… I guess so,"

"Great! Can't wait to see you there! Bye!"

Chris hung up. _You know, Chris has a really nice energy to her. She's not selfish, she's just really mischievous. And she's surprisingly normal compared to other students._

"You leave this to me, Kazuma! You know which goddess is the best at auctions?" Aqua struck a pose. "It's me, Aqua!"

"Is that a Persona reference?"


	10. The Capital's First Day

"As you can see, Mino Castle can become Gold Mino, then Anaguma. This allows for an extra dynamic strategy," said Megumin as she moved the pieces about on the board. "Deciding when to upgrade your castle is crucial."

"I see," said Darkness. "Say, what exactly got you into shogi in the first place?"

"Oh, my dad had an old shogi set in his garage. He taught me how to play, and gave me some books that belonged to my grandfather."

"What's your dad like? Matter of fact, I don't even know anything about your parents."

Megumin smiled and got up.

"My mother is Wicked Eye!" Megumin placed one hand on her eye and outstretched the other. "And my father is Dark Flame Master!" She then curled her arm on her face and curled the other one downwards.

"Right…" Darkness rolled her eyes. _What the heck is wrong with her?_

_Meanwhile…_

Kazuma and Aqua walked into the Dicey Cafe. Behind the bar was a tall old dark-skinned man with extremely large muscles. Sitting at a table was Chris, along with a girl with dirty blonde hair, a brown leather hood, yellowish-green pants, and an extremely revealing black bra.

"Hey Kazuma!" said Chris. "Hey Aqua!"

"Kazuma and Aqua, eh?" said the blonde girl as the two of them sat down. "Well, it's always great to meet new customers!" she reached out a hand. "Names Argo, finest info-broker in Axel High! You want info, I'll sell it to ya no matter what! I have some pretty good connections to the gaming club!"

"So, you're here to bid on the insignia too?" said Kazuma.

"You betcha!" Argo smiled. "Something like that'll fetch a mighty price, Kaz!"

"My name is Rom," said the bartender. "I'll be appraising things here,"

"Now, how about we start these bids, eh?" said Argo. "Ah, sure can't wait to get mah hands on that there insignia!"

"Sure," said Rom. "Once everybody orders something. I'm running a business, not an auction house."

"I'll have tea," said Chris.

"Coffee," said Kazuma. "Half-caf, cinnamon. I get the feeling I'll be staying up late for this,"

"Warm milk," said Argo. "Three pumps of hazelnut."

"Just pure water," said Aqua. "That's the only thing I drink."

"Sparkling?" said Rom.

"Sure."

"You got it," Rom shouted backward. "Hey, Agil! Did you get all that?"

"You bet, old man Rom!" shouted a much younger but just as muscular man with the same skin tone as Rom.

"Alright," Rom passed out the drinks and picked up a gavel. "The bid starts at 500 yen."

"500," said Kazuma, placing the coins on the table.

"Kazuma, 500 yen,"

"700,"

"Chris, 700 yen."

"The love lives of the Cooking Club," Argo pulled out a sealed envelope.

"Argo, 1100 yen."

_He can just tell the value of gossip like that?_

"2000," Aqua sneered at everyone else.

"Aqua, 2000 yen."

_Yeesh, that's a lot for her first bid,"_

"Any advance on 2000?"

"The favorite movies of the Gardening Club." Argo put down another envelope.

"Argo, 2150."

"A first-edition, complete box set of Attack on Titan 1-8, mint condition." Chris pulled a stack of manga out of her bag."

"Chris, 3000 yen."

_Dang, it! How am I gonna top that?_

Just then, someone walked in.

"Hey, Kazuma!" Subaru waved. "What a turn of events! You're here to bid on the insignia too?"

"Uh… yeah," said Kazuma.

"Good," Subaru sat down, followed by an older girl with pale skin, black clothes and dark hair.

"I"m Elsa," she said. "I hope I'm not too late to bid."

"Of course not," said Rom. "Now either buy something or scram."

"Soda," said Elsa.

"Coffee, half-caf, with cinnamon," said Subaru. "I get the feeling I'm gonna be staying up late for this."

"You too?" said Kazuma.

"What's the current bid?" said Elsa, as Agil handed her a drink.

"Chris, 3000 yen."

"Oh dear, I only brought 2000 yen," Elsa sighed.

Just then, Chris's face flustered.

"K-Kazuma!" she stammered. "How shameless!"

"Huh? What did I do?" Kazuma said.

"Y-you just stole my… eep!" Chris turned away.

Argo slammed a pair of blue panties onto the bar.

"Chris' panties!"

"Argo, 4000 yen."

"Okay…" Subaru reached into his pocket. "I bid 2500 yen plus…" he placed a flip phone onto the bar. "This flip phone with a working camera _and _waterproofed!"

"Who the heck uses flip phones anymore?" said Kazuma.

"Shut up!"

"Subaru, 4500 yen. Going once… going twice… Sold!" Rom slammed the gavel onto the bar. "Congrats, Subaru. The insignia's yours!"

"Finally!" Subaru let out a sigh of relief. "I've been betting on this thing for far too long."

"You've only been here for like, 30 seconds," said Kazuma.

"Well, actually it was more like…" Subaru stopped as his breath caught in his throat. He coughed a few times and inhaled sharply. "Yeah. 30 seconds," he said with a traumatized expression.

"Then…" Chris awkwardly fidgeted. "Can I have my panties back, please? It's a bit drafty."

"Sure," Argo was about to hand them over when Aqua called out.

"Hey… those are my sister's panties!" She grabbed the garment from Argo. She glared at Chris. "WHAT WERE YOU DOING WITH ERIS?!"  
"Erm… nothing nee-chan! I mean, Aqua-senpai! I mean, Aqua-san!"

"Weird," said Kazuma. "Oh well, I guess we'll have to…"

"KAZUMA!" Aqua cried into Kazuma's shoulder. He recoiled. "WHAT ARE WE GONNA DOOOOOO?!"

"Stop doing that!" he brushed Aqua off his body. "We're gonna have to…"

Someone else walked into the cafe. She was a cute-looking blonde girl in a thief's outfit.

"Sorry I'm late!" she said. "I ran into some crazy girl with white hair and a cat. I think she was trying to kill me."

"Uh… yeah," said Subaru, rubbing his head. "Anyway, I won the bid so I'll take that insignia."

"He did, Felt," said Rom. "2500 yen and a flip phone," he indicated to Subaru's pile.

"Sweet!" the girl picked up the cash and the phone. "Now for the insignia!" she started reaching into her bag, but Elsa stepped up from the table.

"I'm sorry, sweetie, but I'm taking that," Elsa drew two long, black, curved swords from behind her back.

"Hey!" said Rom. "No weapons in the…"

Elsa slashed across Felt's stomach, making the young scream in agony. She grabbed a small card out of Felt's pocket and tore it in half. Felt's face went pale, as she fell to the ground.

"OH MY GOSH!" exclaimed Argo. "She killed her!"

_You mean if my card gets destroyed I die? _Kazuma's face went pale. _Well, that's a sudden dark turn! I should get this thing laminated or something._

"Okay, that's enough!" Rom pulled a baseball bat from under the counter. "I might not be as young as I used to be, but I can still fight!"

_He's in on this too?_

Rom swung the bat at Elsa, who simply hopped out of the way and onto the table.

"Oh, you're good, old man," Elsa grinned. "But even giants can fall!" she jumped up and kicked Rom in the face. The old man stumbled and fell to the ground.

Subaru made his move next.

"Argo! I'll distract her! You get Kii-boy!"

"Kii-boy?" said Kazuma.

"Got it!" Argo dashed out the door as Subaru ran at Elsa.

"Time to put this new Host Card to good use!" he pulled out a handful of black powder from his pocket. "Shamak!"

Elsa narrowly avoided the dust, but still started sneezing.

"A-choo!" she sneezed. "What the… pepper? A-choo!"

Kazuma got up, followed by Aqua.

"Looks like it's time for a reactionary event!" said Kazuma. He drew his weapon and slashed at Elsa.

"Ack!" Elsa blocked with her blade before following with a counter from her other sword.

Kazuma ducked.

**ACTIVATE CHUUNIBYOU VISION. (In order to ensure maximum enjoyment of this story, all following inexplicable events only exist within the context of the imagination of the characters)**

"Tinder!" Kazuma flicked a bolt of fire which Elsa proceeded to dodge.

"Why you're a feisty one aren't you?" she grinned.

"Ugh, she's like the reverse of Darkness!" said Kazuma. He and Elsa continued their exchange of blows.

Subaru snapped his fingers. "Rally Ping!"

Emelia came running in through the doors.

"Sorry, am I late to the bid?"

"We're fighting now!" Subaru tossed another Shamak at Elsa, giving Kazuma an opening.

"Ouch!" Elsa recoiled at Kazuma's attack. "You'll pay for that! That insignia will bring the Devil King closer to acquiring his Host Card,"

"You're a Devil King General?" said Aqua.

"What are you doing?" said Emelia. "Get over here and fight!"

"Oh right, got it!" Aqua pulled out her staff. "Spirit blessing!" a shower of golden energy fell upon Emelia.

"Thanks!" Puck floated upwards and shot a volley of blue crystals at Elsa.

Elsa grimaced and jumped out of the way, feeling the coldness brush her cheek.

"Nice work, Satella!" said Subaru. "Now all we have to do is wait for Kirito to get here!"

"Kirito?" said Kazuma.

"You've never heard of Kirito before?" said Emelia, as she and puck fired round after round at Elsa. "He's the president of the gaming club, one of the most powerful students at school. He's got a girlfriend, good grades, plenty of friends, two magic swords called Elucidator and Dark Repulser…"

"Seriously?" said Kazuma. "How the heck does someone get like that?"

"Beats me," said Emelia. "But he's kinda _too _heroic, you know what I mean?"

"Oh my gosh, yeah!" said Aqua, who was buffing and healing others with shots of green and yellow. "He can't go half an inch without doing something insane. And not like Subaru insane, more like overzealous god insane,"

"Aqua, call for backup!" yelled Kazuma. "We need Darkness and Megumin!" he parried another slash from Elsa. Somehow, the girl was keeping up with everyone simultaneously.

"YOU'RE NOT THE ONE GIVING ORDERS HERE!"

_Drat, I'm in a tight spot. If my mana runs out now, I'm a goner! As much as I hate to admit it, this Kirito guy sounds like my only hope._

Just then, Elsa slashed at Kazuma's stomach. His face went pale as the gash started to spew blood.

_Oh god… what's wrong with my brain? Why does it look like real blood?_

"Kazuma!" Aqua ran over.

"Aqua, use your Create Water skill on Elsa!" yelled Emelia, as Elsa continued dodging her ice attacks.

"What good will that do?"

"Just do it!"

"Fine. Create Water!" Aqua shot a burst of water at Elsa, who easily avoiding the splash.

"What, were you trying to ruin my clothes or something?" she sneered.

"Not that," Emelia grinned. "Ice enlarge!"

"Huh?"

The water splashed onto the many crystals, causing them to glow. Then, they grew extremely fast, enveloping Elsa into the frigid prisms.

"AH COLD-" Elsa barely said before her mouth was overtaken.

Kazuma stared at his wound. _Well, this is it! Goodbye Axel high, it was nice knowing…_

"Resurrection!"

A surge of blue light flew into Kazuma's body. In an instant, the wound vanished and he hopped to his feet.

"Phew!" said Aqua. "Good thing is the goddess of the afterlife allows for certain… perks with reviving the dead. If I had lost a club member, then I would be even farther away from returning to my role as a goddess!"

_Is that seriously what she's concerned with?_

Just then, the towering crystal structure shattered, revealing Elsa who had somehow removed her jacket.

"Did you really think you could contain me?" she did a rather lewd pose that really wasn't helped by her now bare shoulders.

_Ignore her chest, ignore her chest, ignore her chest. _Subaru scanned his card for another Skill.

_Wow, Subaru's putting in a surprising amount of restraint. _Emelia set Puck onto the ground.

Aqua blushed. _OH MY GOSH, SHE'S SOOOO CURVY!"_


	11. Konosuba Art Online

"You win again," said Darkness. She and Megumin tidied up the shogi board. "So, your father's name is... Dark Flame Master?"

"Yes, that is why the sealing bandage he wears on his arm must never be removed!" Megumin narrowed her eye. "Or else the wrath of the Dark Flame Dragon will be incurred!"

Just then, Chris came running in like a hurricane.

"Guys! Emergency Quest!" she yelled. "There's a Devil King general at the Dicey Cafe! Kazuma and Aqua are fighting her right now!"

"A Devil King general?!" exclaimed Megumin.

"Oh, fantastic!" said Darkness. "The last time we met one, it was very much..."

"Not now Darkness, Kazuma's in danger!" Megumin grabbed her staff and darted out.

"What about Aqua?"

"Yeah, her too!"

Chris ran out with Megumin, with Darkness following behind.

"Argo is bringing a member of the Gaming Club, and there are two Host Club members there as well," said Chris.

"Host Club? What's a Host Club?" said Megumin.

"Oh, a Host Club is an establishment where a male staff spends time with women. We have a gender-neutral Host Club in our school," said Darkness. A blush came across her face. "Sometimes, when I'm in the mood, I sneak down there. There's this really strong..."

"NOT NOW!" said Megumin and Chris.

"Fine."

A boy with messy black hair and a black fantasy outfit came running out of another room, followed by Argo.

"Hey, 'Ris-chan!" said Argo. "Oh, you brought some extras."

"This is Archwizard Megumin and Dame Darkness from the Adventure Club,"

"Dame?"

"It's the female version of "sir"," Chris explained.

"Oh, that makes sense," said the black-haired boy. "I'm Kirito from the Gaming Club! Nice to meet both of you!"

"Charmed," said Darkness, even though her expression was completely neutral.

_Later, at the Dicey Cafe._

Chris slammed the door open to reveal Kazuma writhing on the floor, holding his slightly torn Adventure Card to his chest. Suburu was throwing handfuls of pepper at Elsa, who was hopping from table to table, wobbling quite a bit. Emelia was throwing handfuls of ice at her, while Aqua was yelling random incantations and waving her staff about.

"Megumin! Darkness! Chris! Who's this guy?" said Kazuma.

"Uhh..." said Darkness. "What the heck is going on here?"

**ACTIVATE CHUUNIBYOU VISION**

"We were bidding on an insignia, but this crazy girl started trying to kill us!" Kazuma wiped the blood from his cheek and got up. "Thank heavens you guys got here and... I'm sorry, who are you?"

"I'm Kirito, president of the Gaming Club,"

"Oh, look!" said Elsa. "Fresh meat!" she backflipped off one of the tables towards them, blades outstretched.

"Gah!" Kazuma braced her arms. "Mage Armor!"

Elsa's swords bounced off a shield of purple energy.

"Nice going, whoever you are!" said Kirito, drawing two swords from his back sheath, one blue and one black. "Now let's do this!"

Kirito dashed forward at the speed of a bullet, leaving the other three stunned.

"Uh..." said Kazuma. "How did he get so fast?"

"He's been playing for a long time," said Chris.

"Well that makes sense," said Kazuma, as Kirito's swords starting glowing as he approached Elsa. "So, he's a senior?"

"No, this is his first year here at Axel,"

"Seriously?"

"I know, it's weird," said Chris. Argo chimed in.

"Aint nothin weird about Kii-boy!" she stated. "He's strong in all the right ways," she sighed dreamily.

"What kind of echo chamber are _you _living in?"

"Hey!"

"SAO skill: Starburst Stream!" Kirito unleashed a flurry of blows, catching Elsa off guard. A bead of sweat appeared on her forehead as she tried to block Kirito's attacks.

Subaru and Emelia were about to continue firing but realized that there was really no need at this point.

"Wow," said Subaru. "He's really powerful! He must be a senior!"

"Actually, he came here a week before you did and a month after me," said Emelia.

"Are you serious? Also, I get the feeling your name isn't really Satella!"

"Huh? What are you talking about?"

"Nothing,"

Megumin extended her wand.

"Explosion?" she turned to Kazuma.

"Explosion," he replied. "Let's get this over with."

"Darkness, blacker than black. Combine with my deep crimson and return all creation to dust! Release the Crimson Demon's of the past to aid me in my quest for power! Explosion!"

A magic circle appeared around Elsa, and a surge of firey energy flew onto her, sending a wave of heat, light, and sound all throughout the cafe. Kazuma and Megumin braced themselves, as Aqua was blown away and Darkness relished in the force. Finally, the Explosion died down, as did Megumin.

Kirito slashed both swords down Elsa's face, knocking her to the ground.

"Gah..." Elsa found Kirito's sword at her neck. He scanned down her body, trying very hard to ignore her bare skin.

"You may have won this time!" Elsa reached a hand out while he was distracted. "Steal!"

In a flash of light, a blue cuboid crystal appeared in Elsa's hand.

"My teleport crystal!" said Kirito.

"Teleport: Devil King!"

Kirito was about to slash again, but Elsa vanished in a blur of blue light.

"Darn it!" he growled in frustration.

Darkness looked over the rigid dead body of Felt. She set her sword down in front of her and knelt.

"O, noble thief, let your soul drift on to a better life. May the goddesses smile upon your downfall..."

"Huh?" said Felt.

Darkness opened her eyes to see Felt standing in front of her, with her card intact.

"Uh... thanks for the sentiment, but I'm okay now," Felt shrugged.

"Uh... um..." Darkness was at a loss for words.

Aqua giggled.

"Fixing a Card is easy for a goddess like me! What? I can be archpriest-like once in a while."

"That isn't..." Darkness stammered. "This isn't the kind of humiliation I usually enjoy!"

Everyone laughed.

"Well, here's your insignia, Subaru!" Felt reached into her bag and gasped.

"Huh? What is it?" said Kirito.

"It's... gone!" Felt's eyes widened. She tipped her bag upside down, but the insignia was nowhere to be seen.

"What?!" said Kazuma. "You mean we almost got killed over nothing?"

"But I saw you steal it!" said Emelia.

"I... I did... I mean, not to be blunt... but someone else must have stolen it from me!"

"But who has it?" said Kirito. "It's gotta be someone else with the Steal skill,"

All eyes began to drift backward. But Chris had vanished.

"Chris!" Aqua called out. "Did _you_ have the insignia the whole time?"

"Chris did nothing of the sort!" said someone else.

Another girl walked into the cafe.

"What the... Eris?" said Aqua. "What the heck are you doing here?"

"Wait, that's your sister?" said Kazuma.

Eris was a short-looking girl with pale skin and messy silver hair. Her eyes were violet purple, and she wore a blue and gold robe-like garment.

"Oh, am I late?" she said. "I heard someone praying so I came here as soon as I could,"

"Uh..." Darkness's face went red. "That's... not usually what happens when someone prays."

"Oh, don't worry about it," Eris rolled her eyes. "I don't usually get summoned anyway,"

"Well, at least _you _get summoned at all!" Aqua grabbed her sister by the shoulders and started shaking her back and forth. "You cocky little brat! What is it with you and showing up all unprepared and late, and yet people still flock to you like seagulls! If you interfere with my business again, then I'm confiscating your breast pads!"

"Pads?" Kazuma looked downwards to Eris' somewhat ample chest.

"Gah! I'm sorry Aqua nee-chan! I'm sorry!"

**Note: In Japanese, Eris is saying "gomenasai," as opposed to any shortened or casual form. If anyone here speaks any Asian language, they'll know what I'm talking about.**

"Okay..." said Kazuma. "What does this insignia thingy look like anyway?"

"It's shield-shaped, has a red gem in the middle, surrounded by an image of a many-pointed star," Emelia explained.

"Okay..." Kazuma reached into his pocket and pulled out the emblem he got earlier. "You mean like this one?"

"W-what?!" Aqua exclaimed. "You had it the whole time!"

"I was trying to steal Felt's panties, but I got this instead. You know, if someone had told me what the insignia looked like, we could've avoided this whole problem."

"Oh..." said Eris. She gave out a cute little laugh. "How ironic!"

Kirito sighed.

"Hey, I think I've seen you before!" he said, turning to Aqua.

"Well of course you have!" Aqua grinned. "Surely, a beautiful and majestic goddess would not go unnoticed by the average passerby!"

"Yeah, you used to hang around Asuna."

"Asuna?!" Aqua's eyes darkened. She turned to Kazuma. "Let's get out of here _now."_

"Hey, where are you..." Kirito said as the Adventure Club made a mad dash out the door.

"Huh," said Felt.

Rom got up off the ground.

"Ugh... I can't take this anymore!" he turned to the back room. "Hey, Agil?" he yelled.

"Yeah, Grandpa?" Agil called over from a table he was cleaning.

Rom tossed a ring of keys at Agil.

"The cafe's yours! I just can't do this stuff anymore! I'm moving to the countryside. You're the manager now."

"Woah, seriously?"

"Yeah, you'll do great!" Rom walked out the door and pulled his phone out. "Hello? Yes, I'd like to book a flight..."


	12. Maids, Stands, and Notebooks

_Ah, Saturday! Nothing like a nice relaxing day for doing nothing! _Kazuma took in a nice full breath. _Which is what I would've said a few months ago! Today, I'm hanging out with Megumin at the Dicey Cafe, playing some Sword Art Online with the gaming club, and to top it all off, a delicious meal at my favorite fast-food bar with the club. Nothing could possibly ruin… actually, I need to stop thinking like that, I'm gonna jinx myself. I'll just enjoy the day, and…_

"Kazuma!" he heard Subaru's voice from behind him.

"Yes, I'm Kazuma."

"Are you heading to the Dicey Cafe too?" he said. "Where we had our epic battle with Elsa?"

"You know it!" Kazuma grinned. "Too bad they wouldn't give us the quest reward since Felt got away with the insignia again,"

"Well, at least they let me join the Host Club and gave me this cool uniform!" Subaru indicated to his butler outfit. "Someday, I'm gonna be using super-powerful magic!" he showed Kazuma his card, which had two skills on it: Shamak, and Martial Arts.

"Not bad," said Kazuma. "Those are some pretty powerful ones,"

"I know, right?" Subaru grinned. "And the best part is, I get to hang out with the love of my life! Oh, and also three maids, a small girl named Beatrice, that weird redheaded accountant, one of the maids' younger sister and that blue-haired Joestar guy" he crossed his arms. "Although, it's not all wish-fulfillment. Turns out entertaining guests is a lot harder than I thought,"

"That's your only complaint?" Kazuma's expression darkly. "You mean, you don't find any of _your _girls weird?"

"No, why?" said Subaru. "They're all special in their own way."

"And who's Emelia?"

"Oh, it turns out Satella was actually named Emelia. Pretty weird, am I right?"

"Who's Satella?"

"You know the white-haired girl who… oh right," Subaru shut his mouth quickly.

_Since when did normal girls exist in this school? And how come I had to get the oddballs? _Kazuma frowned.

"So, what are you planning on doing today?" said Kazuma.

"Oh man, today's gonna be awesome!" Subaru fist-pumped. "First, hanging out with Emelia at the Dicey Cafe. Then, I'm taking on the 75th floor boss in Sword Art Online with the Gaming Club. And finally, a delicious meal at McRonalds with the club! I heard one of the Occult Club members works there."

"Is that a Blue Exorcist reference?"

"No, that's the Exorcist Club," said Subaru. "They currently have a feud with the Occult Club,"

"Oh, that makes sense," said Kazuma, as he opened the door to the cafe.

"Hey, Kazuma!"

_What?_

Aqua was sitting on a barstool drinking from a tall glass of bubbly water. She had her wig on, but her eyes and clothes gave her away. Agil was manning the bar. Emelia was also sitting next to her, wearing a very revealing t-shirt and sweatpants.

"Oh, Subaru!" she waved. "Fancy seeing you here,"

"Aqua?" said Kazuma

"Emelia!" Subaru quickly walked over and sat down. "Same as last time, Agil," he said.

"You got it," Agil started preparing the drink.

"Make me one too!" said Kazuma.

"Okay,"

Kazuma's eyes wandered about. Sitting next to Aqua, was Megumin, followed by Darkness. Taking the seat between Megumin and Aqua, Kazuma scanned about.

"So…" he said. "What are you guys doing here?"

"Aqua told us to meet up here," said Megumin, drinking a hot chocolate.

"Great news, I got the quest money after all!" Aqua clapped her hands together.

"WHAT?" said Subaru and Kazuma simultaneously.

A few seats away was a pair of girls in maid outfits, one with blue hair and blue eyes, the other with pink hair and pink eyes. Both had a cute short haircut with one eye covered.

"Sister, sister, that boy is acting almost exactly like Subaru," said the blue-haired maid.

"Rem, Rem, most boys act similar,"

_Gah! What the… _

"The Host Club really does have maids!" Kazuma blurted out.

"I know, right?" said Subaru.

"In my mind, maids were always…"

"... the very personification of elegance?" Subaru finished.

"Yes, exactly!" Kazuma laughed.

"Sister, is that boy attempting to mentally violate us as well?" said Rem.

"Rem, yes, I can visualize you being abused him very clearly," said Ram.

"Okay, that's just weird," said Aqua. "Anyway, I still had Felt's card, so I turned it into a Slave Card and brought her to the Host Club with the insignia!"

"Why is it that you're only good at things that you don't praise yourself for having?" said Kazuma.

"So, anyway," said Subaru. "Are you gonna introduce me to your friends?"

"Oh yeah. That's Aqua, and this is Megumin and Darkness,"

"Hello there!" Darkness said.

"Who are you, and why are you acting weirdly like Kazuma?" said Megumin.

"Sister Sister, that girl is picking up on it too," said Rem.

"Rem, Rem, so does every girl in school who has a boyfriend," replied her sister.

"That's Rem and Ram," Subaru indicated to the maids. "They're twins, but they're very different once you get to know them. Over there Beatrice, but I call her Betty," Subaru pointed downwards. Kazuma noticed a small girl with a long and curly brown haircut and a cute red outfit.

"Oh great, another one I suppose," she said.

"Aw, don't ruin that cute little face of yours!" Kazuma grinned at her. "Aren't you a little young to be in a Host Club?"

"Drain Touch!" Beatrice tapped Kazuma's stomach.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Kazuma screamed as he writhed in pain. "You droll-haired loli!"

Emelia giggled.

"You boys sure like tempting fate,"

Subaru confidently grinned.

"And you've already met Meli! She and I were shedding the sweat of passion this morning!"

"WHAT?!" exclaimed pretty much everyone in the room, even Puck looked surprised.

"Don't phrase it like that, it was just radio calisthenics," Emelia sighed.

"Oh, phew," said Kazuma. "Wait, you said there were three maids here,"

"Well, there is Tohru," Subaru indicated to the older girl bringing a drink to a red-haired senior with glasses who was typing away at a laptop. "She… kind of has a crush on the Student Council treasurer who does her work here,"

"She's… that way?" said Kazuma.

"What do you mean, 'that way?'" said Aqua. "That's very offensive, you know,"

"Here's your drink, Miss Kobayashi!" Tohru said with a weirdly ecstatic expression.

"Thanks, Tohru," said the girl who's name was apparently Miss Kobayashi.

Most strangely, this 'Tohru' person had red streaks in her orange hair, red and yellow lizard eyes, two large dragon horns sticking out her head, and a heavy green tail sticking out from under her skirt.

"She's a dragon," said Subaru, picking up on Kazuma's expression. "I don't know how, but she somehow identifies as a dragon,"

"What do you mean 'somehow'?" said Emelia. Puck mewed (Don't worry about it, Leah. Lots of boys are dumb.)

Emelia sighed.

"Well, I still have to thank the three of you for saving my life yesterday, along with that other guy. Matter of fact, where is Kirito?"

"He's preparing for a raid this afternoon," said Kazuma.

"Anyway, I really can't repay you enough," said Emelia.

"Well, you could let me stroke your cat!" said Subaru.

"Puck's not a cat, he's a Spirit Stand!"

(Exactly! Don't get them mixed up! Although, I really don't mind letting you feel my fur!)

"Really?" said Emelia. "Well, okay."

Puck hopped into Subaru's arms.

"So soft…" Subaru stroked the creature down the spine. "Oh… these ears feel so amazing!"

"A Spirit Stand?" said Kazuma.

"Oh right, you're new here," said Emelia. "Some students have additional cards called Stands." She took a card out of her pocket and showed it to him. It was an old-looking painting of a grey cat. "These Stands manifest as creatures. Puck is a Spirit Stand called a Bakeneko,"

"Oh, so that's what that Dio guy was talking about," said Subaru, looking up from Puck. "He said that his Stand was called The World or something,"

"That's a Tarot Stand," said Emelia. "It's a powerful Stand that can only be seen by certain people. They usually don't do much besides obeying their master's orders, and they grant their master certain powers. The World, for example, has the power to stop time,"

"Seriously?!" said Kazuma. "Maybe I should get one of those. Anyway…" He observed the cafe with a strange expression. "Who are they?"

Kazuma indicated two older students sitting at a table together. A tall boy with brown messy hair and intense brown eyes, and a girl with pretty blonde hair and a very curvy figure. Both of them were writing in notebooks.

"Oh, that's Light and Misa," said Emelia. "They're great at entertaining guests, but they don't do much except writing things in their notebooks,"

"Weird," said Kazuma. "What about that guy?"

Kazuma pointed to a boy with messy black hair, sullen dark eyes, a really weird posture, who was eating a large bowl of ice cream.

"Oh, that's L. He's a regular guest here, but he's kind of a perv,"

"I don't know which is weirder," Kazuma shrugged. Just then, he noticed Megumin taking her shogi set out of her bag.

"You found a counter to my Explosion tactic," she said, doing that weird Persona thing with her hand. "But I'm still going to beat you this time!"

"Alright, let the war begin!" Kazuma took his king out of the bag.

As they played, Beatrice walked over to Subaru.

"Even though I'm convinced you're not a foe, I'm still going to keep an eye on you I suppose,"

"That's fine with me," said Subaru.

(Oh, hi Betty!) Puck looked from Emelia's lap.

"Pucky!" Beatrice's face suddenly did a complete 180. She grabbed Puck into a tight embrace. "I've been waiting so eagerly to see you again!"

"Well, that was quick," said Kazuma. He moved his bishop around Megumin's pawn vanguard.

"That'll be 600 yen," said Agil, indicating to Kazuma's drink.

"Put it on my tab. I'll probably be here a while."

Megumin took Kazuma's rook with a cleverly-placed silver general.

"Oh, darn it!"

Kazuma shifted one of his castle pieces to a better position, but that didn't stop Megumin from starting her Explosion sequence.

"Darkness, blacker than black. Combine with…"

_You know how this goes, let's just skip to the good part._

"EXPLOSION!" Megumin finished.

Kazuma sighed.

"You win again,"

Just then, the Light boy stood up from his table.

"Huh? Light?" said his girlfriend.

Light walked over to Megumin.

"You…" he said.

"Huh?" said Kazuma.

Light grabbed Megumin by the collar and lifted her straight out of her seat.

"YOU LOLI MANIAC! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S BEEN CONSTANTLY DISTURBING MY STUDY SESSIONS WITH YOUR INCESSANT EXPLOSIONS!" he yelled right in her face.

"Wait? What?" said Kazuma. "You mean, you've been listening in on our shogi matches.

"Not like that!" said Light. "Misa and I study in a classroom right next to that abandoned bathroom. We chose that spot because we thought it would be quiet! But it's constant Explosions! EVERY SINGLE DAY!"

"Gah! Please put me down! don't pull on that!" Megumin whined.

Misa simply took out her phone and took a picture.

"You're so strong, Light!"

Just then, the boy was dubbed L stood up from his chair.

"You sound pretty confident for a Devil King General, Light," he said.

A collective gasp filled the whole cafe, except Kazuma's was more frustration than surprise.

"Seriously? Again?" said Kazuma.

Light turned around and glared at the other boy.

"That's a bold statement," he dropped Megumin, making her make a cute 'eek' sound. "I'm offended you would even consider that!"

"Oh, I have all the proof I need." L pulled out his phone and showed off an image of something. "For instance, a few days ago when I asked you about being a Devil King General and showed you three suicide notes from various students…"

"Create Holy Water!" Aqua tossed her glass of water at Light.

"Um, this is kind of the part where I…" L started to explain when Light screamed.

"AAAAAAAAAAAGH!" he fell to the ground.

"Yep, he's a Devil King general," Aqua stated before pulling her staff out and flinging her wig off her head.

"Ah…" L was at a loss for words. He slumped downwards. "There goes an entire night of research and deduction. And my whole speech,"

A white-skinned man walked over from his own chair.

"My, my, is this true Yagami-san?" he said with a flamboyant expression that matched his colorful outfit and hair. "What am I saying, of course, it's true!"

"Looks like you figured it out, Roswaal," Light glared with a disturbing expression. "But you'll never take me!"

Light picked up his notebook.

"Roswaal L Mathers!" he immediately wrote with a nearby pen. "Will die of a heart attack immediately!"

Roswaal's breath caught in his throat as he choked. He grabbed his heart and fell to the ground, unmoving.

"Oh my gosh!" said Megumin. She looked up in horror as Light's twisted gaze fell upon her.

"It's a Death Note!" said Aqua. "If he writes anyone's name it in, they'll die!"

"Are you serious?" said Kazuma. He felt a bead of sweat drop down his neck. _Wait, Megumin uses a nickname so she's safe!_

"Misa, what's this crazy loli's name?"

"Crazy loli?" Megumin somehow looked offended and terrified at the same time.

"Megami Togashi!" Misa read off her phone.

_Aw crap, why'd I have to think like that? Also, how did she do that?"_

"Let's torture her a little bit. Megami Togashi!" Light wrote quickly. "Will die when I want her too!"

Megumin tried to run away but immediately felt a dark presence coming down onto her. Just then, Darkness quickly jumped between her and Light, before letting out a shriek.

"AAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Darkness screamed while blushing heavily.

With a flick of the hand, a Card appeared in Light's hand.

"Well, would you look at that?" Light chuckled. "Looks like Ryuk grabbed your friend's Card instead,"

Megumin drew her staff, but Light wagged his finger tauntingly.

"Ah, ah, ah, make another move and I'll rip up her card, killing her forever," Light grinned evilly. "Find me at 138, Shintakora St. if you want your friend to live. If you do not come in a week, I'll rip the card. Until then, this crusader will be tortured with the looming threat of death hanging above her head. And you, NO MORE EXPLOSIONS!"

"No," said Megumin.

"What?"  
"A Crimson Demon must unleash powerful magic once a day or else they will die,"

_How many ways are there to die?_

"Oh, don't make up convenient lies!"


	13. May there be Panties and Explosions

**And now it's time for…**

**DIO AND THE JOESTARS!**

**There's nothing important in this, go to the next piece of bold text if you want to skip.**

"Finally!" said Dio as he walked down the street to the Dicey Cafe. "I have enough lunch tickets to last me until next week. Time to celebrate with a nice hot cup of…"

"Dio!" said someone from behind him.

"Hm?" Dio turned around. It was a muscular boy with blue hair and blue eyes.

"Your reign of terror will end now! How many lunch tickets have you stolen?"

"Jonathan Joestar," Dio chuckled. "How many breads have you eaten in your lifetime?"

"Why you… wait, I don't think that's how you use that word."

"It doesn't matter," Dio cracked his knuckles. "What do you want?"

"You've been bullying the students of Axel High for far too long! I, Jojo, will defeat you!"

"Oh? You want to fight me, Dio?" Dio laughed. "How pathetic. You don't even have a Stand. This will be easy!"

"That's what you think!" Jonathan drew a golden sword from his bag. "Behold, Pluck the Sword of the Undead Knight!"

"This'll be fun," said Dio. "USELESS!"

(In case you didn't know, Dio's Stand cry "muda" roughly translates to "useless")

Jonathan narrowly avoided a punch from Dio's Stand.

"Nice try!" said Jonathan. "But my Hamon allows me to know the location of Stands!"

"Impressive," said Dio. "USELESS, USELESS, USELESS, USELESS, USELESS, USELESS, USELESS, USELESS, USELESS!"

Jonathan swiftly avoided each attack from Dio's Stand.

"Your Stand may be powerful," said Jonathan. "But you will succumb to my Hamon!"

Jonathan swung his sword at Dio, navigating around The World.

"Sunlight Yellow Overdrive!"

**Will Jonathan be able to defeat Dio? Find out in the next episode of…**

**DIO AND THE JOESTARS!**

"You…" said Darkness. "You dare threaten to kill me… and would force me to do erotic acts to get my card back?!"

"Wait, what?" said Light.

"I can imagine it… being held in his dungeon… this is an incredible moe situation!" Darkness started panting as she got her feet. "I'll see the rest of you. I can already feel his gaze, threatening to tear off every piece of my clothes!"

"Uh… you take care of this, Misa! I'm outta here!" Light dashed out the door, as Aqua held back an extremely red Darkness.

Light panted as he walked out of the cafe.

"Phew… that was a close one. Misa should be able to deal with them, so they don't tell anyone about me being a Devil King General.

Just then, he noticed the two muscular men staring at him.

"A Devil King General?!" they both exclaimed simultaneously.

"Gah!" Light pulled out his Death Note. "Jonathan Joestar, and Dio Brando!"

"Uh-oh!" said Jonathan. "Looks like it's time to use the Joestar Family Technique! I better do it within 40 seconds or else the Death Note's God Stand will get my card and kill me!"

**One second has passed.**

"The Joestar Family Technique?" said Dio.

"RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!" Jonathan made a mad dash in the other direction, with Light's Stand in hot pursuit.

"WAIT FOR ME!" said Dio

**Two seconds have passed.**

Light checked his watch.

"Strange. I could've sworn that at least fifteen seconds passed since I wrote their names."

**Three seconds have passed.**

_**Meanwhile...**_

"Nobody makes a move on my boyfriend and gets away with it!" Misa got up from her chair. She pulled out a Death Note of her own, and a pen.

"Stop her!" Kazuma darted towards her. "Steal! Huh?"

Kazuma found nothing in his hand. Misa giggled.

"How amusing. A low-level Adventurer thinks his Steal attack would work on a God Stand User. Rem! Attack!"

"Huh?" said Rem.

"Not you! My stand! The Shinigami, Rem!"

Kazuma's yelped as an invisible force punched him in the face, sending him into the wall.

"Hey!" said Agil.

"Host Club, attack!" said Emelia.

Rem and Ram jumped out of their seats. Rem drew a ball and chain from her bag, while Ram pulled out a wand.

Subaru reached into his pocket.

"Shamak!" he yelled throwing a handful of pepper at Misa.

The black cloud smacked against an invisible barrier.

"Oh, is that all you've got?" Misa giggled. "You would be helpless against a _regular _Stand, let alone a God Stand!"

Darkness rushed over while Misa was distracted, but her legs gave out under her the moment she started running.

"Gah… what the? Why can't I use my strength?"  
"Don't you know the rules?" said Misa. "You can't use your powers without your card! You're just a pathetic high school girl!"

"God Requiem!"

"Shamak!"

"El Fura!"

"El Huma!"

"Minya!"

The various members of the Host Club launched a barrage of magic attacks at Misa, but she simply blocked each and every one with her invisible Stand.

"How pathetic," Misa laughed. "Now it's my turn."

_Meanwhile, in the Satou household._

"Honey, do you know where Kazuma is?" said Kazuma's father. "I don't think he's played a single video game today."

"Strange," said his mother. "I think he went out after breakfast."

"He went outside?" Mr. Satou's eyes widened. "I wonder why."

"Well, I think it's a good thing! I was starting to think we needed to do something about that. Come to think of it, he's been coming home pretty late these past few days. And he's been looking a lot happier lately."

"It's a good thing." Kazuma's father pulled out his phone. "Hello? Kazuma?"

"Oh! Hi dad- MEGUMIN WATCH OUT!"

"Erm… what are you doing?"

"Oh, nothing… just hanging out with- AQUA, GIVE ME A HEAL- some friends at the Dicey Cafe- DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE A STAND?"

"Stand? Is that a One Piece reference?"

"No, what the heck is- SUBARU, THE NOTEBOOK! Anyway, I'm gonna be home a little late, bye!"

Kazuma hung up.

"Honey?" said Kazuma's mother. "What's Kazuma doing?"

"I think he's playing Sword World."

_At the Dicey Cafe…_

"Get down!" Kazuma dodged another strike from Misa's Stand.

"Darkness, blacker than black, combined with my deep crimson… AH!" Megumin ducked under what she thought was the arm of the Stand. "It's no use, I can't get a lock on her!"

"We need some way to distract her!" said Subaru. All three maids were launching magic attacks, but none of them managed to hit Misa.

"Rem Ryuutama, Ram Ryuutama!" she wrote in her Death Note. Rem and Ram suddenly dropped to the ground.

"Oh come on!" said Subaru. "Shamak!"

"Seriously, how many times are you going to do that?" said Misa.

"Betty! I need mana!" said Subaru.

"Drain Touch!" Beatrice grabbed Megumin by the leg and Subaru by the neck.

"Eek!" said Megumin.

"Gah!" said Subaru.

"What? Are you gonna try and…" Misa started to say, but Subaru pulled out a handful of ash from his pocket.

"Shamak Shamak Shamak Shamak Shamak Shamak Shamak Shamak Shamak Shamak Shamak Shamak!" Subaru threw a rapid stream of grey dust at Misa, which was all blocked by her Stand.

"Is this for real?" said Misa."Do you really think a cheap move like that will stop me?"

"No, but it'll let me do this!" said Megumin "Darkness, blacker than black…"

"Gah! Megami Togashi!" Misa wrote in her Death Note, but nothing happened.

"Hah!" said Aqua. "Didn't you know? A Death Note only works on someone once! And since Darkness took Megumin's blow, she's now immune!"

"Explosion!" said Megumin. But nothing happened.

"Huh?" said Beatrice, as she continued fueling Subaru's stream of Shamaks.

"I don't have enough mana!" said Megumin.

"DANG IT!" said Kazuma. "Couldn't you have chosen a better mana battery, Beatrice?"

"I could've, I suppose," said Beatrice.

"Looks like your little plan failed!" said MIsa. "Meisuke Kobayashi! Tohru Dicigot!"

The redhead with the laptop grasped her chest and fell.

"Miss Kobayashi!" said the orange-haired maid, before she also fell over.

"And with that, you have no more powerful magic users!" Misa cackled. "Once your mana runs out, you'll be sleeping with the fishes!"

"Not quite," said Megumin. She grabbed Aqua's leg.

"Megumin, what the… Ah!" Megumin slotted Aqua's leg into Beatrice's hand.

"This works." said Beatrice.

"I still have enough mana for this!" said Megumin. She dashed up to Misa, who turned to run, but not fast enough.

"Steal!" Megumin closed her hand around something.

"She learned something other than Explosion!?" said Kazuma.

Subaru finally let up with his attack, but Misa had stopped doing anything.

"Uh… ah…" Misa struggled to speak.

Megumin smugly drew her rewards from her hands. A pink pair of panties.

"What is up with that ability?" said Aqua.

"AH!" said Misa. She pulled her extremely short skirt downwards. "Please, give those back!" she dropped her Death Note. "Surely, you understand a fellow girl?"

"The Adventure Club yearns for true gender equality," Megumin gazed at Misa through a shonen hand.

"Uh, that's not…" Aqua started to say.

"I have no patience for those who complain about privilege when it suits them, and then whine about 'being unladylike,' when it's convenient!"

"Well said," said Kazuma. "Agil, hit me up with a mana potion,"

"This is going on your tab you know?" said Agil.

Kazuma guzzled down the blue liquid.

"Ugh… I can't command my Stand or everyone will see my… my…" Misa was about to cry.

"This looks like a perfect opportunity to try out my new Skill," said Kazuma

**CHUUNIBYOU VISION ACTIVATE!**

"Darkness, blacker than black. Call upon the cold dark nights under which the creatures of the other realm lurk. Return them to their former glory, so that they may unleash their fury upon this mortal realm!" An orange glow appeared in Kazuma's hands.

"K-Kazuma?" said Megumin. _C-could it be? Is this really happening?_

"Explosion!" said Kazuma, throwing the ball of energy upon Misa.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Misa screamed as the fiery energy blazed across her skin. Her Death Note flared up, singing it's white pages.

Kazuma panted before falling to his knees.

"I gotta admit that felt pretty great…" he chuckled. Just then, two small arms wrapped around his neck.

"OOOOOOHHHHHHH! YOU DID IT, KAZUMA! YOU FINALLY CASTED EXPLOSION! NOW WE ARE BOTH MASTER SPELLCASTERS!"

"Heh… I guess I am. Also, can you pick me up?" said Kazuma.

"Huh? Oh right, mana drain."

Megumin hoisted Kazuma onto her shoulders.

"You're training with me on Monday! Let's make beautiful Explosions together!"

"Ah… sure." said Kazuma. _What have I gotten myself into?_

**And now we return to… **

**DIO AND THE JOESTARS!**

Jonathan panted as he ran ahead of the approaching Death God Stand.

**Ten seconds have passed.**

"This isn't good! I have to find a way to get rid of this thing!"

Just then, he saw a familiar looking face in front of a fruit stand. He had a similar build to Jonathan, with black hair, a tank top, and a more shrill-looking face.

**Eleven seconds have passed.**

"Joseph! Help me!" said Jonathan.

"Oh, hey big bro… OH MY GOD! A DEATH STAND!"

Jonathan stopped in front of his brother.

"What do I do? Nobody can stop a Death Stand!"

**Twelve seconds have passed.**

Joseph looked about and got an idea.

"Hang on." he grabbed an apple and tossed some money to the vendor. "Apple Red Overdrive!"

The apple flew straight over Jonathan's head, as well as the Stand. The phantasm stopped chasing Jonathan, and flew in the direction of the fruit.

"What?" said Jonathan.

The Stand picked up the apple and took a large bite. Suddenly, the large creature screamed and flew off.

"Erm…" Jonathan looked at his younger brother.

"Your next line will be: I didn't know Shinigamis like apples!"

"Yes, I didn't know Shinigamis like apples,"

Joseph chuckled.

"The Shinigami realm doesn't have any sugar, so Shinigamis will always try to eat anything sweet they can find,"

"Of course!" said Jonathan. "Anyway, I better go back to trying to defeat Dio."

"Oh, him? I'll come with you. You're gonna need a fellow Stand User."

"Why, thank you, brother! With our powers combined, nobody will be able to stop two Joestar brothers!"

**Jonathan has successfully escaped the God Stand, and has partied up with his brother, Joseph. But will these two Joestars have what it takes to defeat the mighty Dio? What will Dio do to stop them? Find out, in the next episode of…**

**DIO AND THE JOESTARS!**

****Note: This is the most efficient way to get in as many Jojo references that I can.****


	14. Ka-zu-ma! Ka-zu-to! Ka-zu-ma! Ka-zu-to!

**Unfortunately, DIO AND THE JOESTARS was a terrible idea in hindsight and will never be done again. I mean, if you really want to see Jojo characters fight each other in high school where all timelines can coexist, maybe I'll write a separate fic? Otherwise, it's just pointless.**

**Hey, wanna see Kazuma's little brother?**

Nine-year-old Kazuto Satou helplessly covered his ears to try to get rid of all the words.

"Your brother is a HikiNEET! You're probably no better!" one of the boys from the playground said.

"Yeah! He's just a loser!"

"Why would you wanna defend a guy like that?"

"Stop it! Stop saying those things!" Kazuto tried to hide the tears in his eyes.

"What a baby! Is he gonna cry?"

Kazuto bit his tongue and ran off, trying to ignore the jeers from the other kids.

_My big brother… why do they keep calling him a NEET?_

Kazuto kept running, holding back the tears. Every day, this was his life. Kids would come and make fun of him and his brother. He wished he could fight back, tell them about all of Kazuma's good qualities… though, he really didn't have many. He just wished he could make it all stop.

Just then, Kazuto realized he was lost. He was in a part of the park that he didn't recognize. He looked around him. There were trees, but not a single thing he could recall.

"Hello?" he called out. "Is anyone there?

Nobody answered. Kazuto gulped and walked over to the trees. But he could see a blue flash in between some leaves.

"Huh?" Kazuto walked up to a bush and peeked through a hole. What he saw could only be described as beauty incarnate.

He saw a girl, around fifteen years old, standing in a clearing in the forest. She had long blue hair that flowed like a river, skin pale as a snowflake, eyes green as the ocean. The way she danced, gently striding from one position to next, almost like the way that waterfalls down a waterfall.

Kazuto, entranced by this beauty, lost his footing and somehow fell through a bush.

"Ow!" he said. The girl turned and looked over.

"Huh?" she said.

Kazuto looked up. The girl was staring right at him.

"Are you a goddess?" was the first thing he said.

"How the heck did you…" Aqua started and stopped herself. "I mean, why, yes, young one! I am a goddess. My name is Aqua."

"Ah… hello?"

Aqua took a closer look at Kazuto's face.

"Oh, have you been crying?" she asked.

"Those kids made fun of me…" Kazuto sniffed. "Because they think my brother is a HikiNEET…"

"Wait, where does a nine-year-old learn words like that? I mean…" Aqua quickly got back into character "Do not cry little one. I know how to fix your problem."

"Really?"

"Of course. And the answers lie within."

"You mean… within me?" said Kazuto.

"What? No! That's disgusting. I meant within _this_." Aqua presented a small black, paperback, book. "The Holy Text of Axis. Not only does this contain all that you seek, but you shall also acquire the knowledge to forge a path to your dreams! Take it."

"Wow! Really?" Kazuto grasped the book as if it were made of glass.

"Sure. I got like a hundred of these things." Aqua giggled.

"Thank you, goddess Aqua! I will treasure it forever, and remember you for as long as I live!" Kazuto ran back through the bushes, waving back to the goddess.

Aqua giggled and took out her phone.

"Finally! A new follower! Now I just need to figure out what to do with these Holy Texts. Maybe I shouldn't have bought so many." Aqua looked at the large pile of Holy Texts behind her.

_My name is Kazuto Satou. A few years ago, I met a beautiful goddess named Aqua. Now, with the knowledge from the Holy Text of Axis, I shall rid this world of all that is evil! For I am now Kozu! The Holy Warrior of Axis!_

**So yeah, that's him. Now back to the present.**

"Another day, another battle won!" Aqua fist-pumped as the four Adventurers walked home.

Kazuma sighed.

"How come you're so good at repairing damaged cards?"

"Because I'm a goddess!"

"She's really good with glue!" said Darkness.

"No, because I'm a goddess!"

"Not only that, but she just draws over the missing parts! Actually, why didn't you join the Art Club?"

"Because I'm a goddess!"

"Either way." Megumin chimed in. "I'm hungry. Let's go to McRonalds.

"Seconded," said Kazuma.

"Uh… about that." Aqua fiddled with her fingers. "I… kinda spent all my money on a haircut."

"You, _what?" _said Kazuma.

"Hey! It's not easy keeping my hair like this!"

Kazuma sighed once more.

"Fine. We'll just eat at my house. I'll just call my mom…"

Kazuma pulled his phone out.

"Yes?"

"Hey, mom."

"Oh, Kazuma! I've been wondering where you've been. I thought you were playing games," said Kazuma's mother.

"Sort of. Anyway, do you mind if I bring some friends over for dinner?"

"Absolutely! I'm so proud of you sweetie! You boys come home safely now!"

"Actually… I wasn't talking about other boys." Kazuma fiddled with her hair.

"Huh?"

"The rest of my club members are girls."

Kazuma's mother dropped the phone.

"Mom? Hello?"

Kazuma's mother sat down in a chair.

"Why did my boy grow up all of a sudden?"

Kazuma shrugged and put his phone away.

"She thought I was bringing home some other boys." was the first thing he said.

"Now that I think about it…" said Megumin. "I don't think I've ever met your parents, Kazuma."

"You have a little brother, right?" said Aqua. "That'll be a great chance to get more followers!"

"What? No!" Kazuma immediately yelled at Aqua. "No magic! No goddess! Nothing!"

"Huh?" said Darkness.

"Are you guys idiots?" said Kazuma. "Ah, look who I'm asking. I can't have you guys meet my parents looking like that!" he indicated to Darkness' armor.

"Are you suggesting we go in our normal clothes?" said Aqua.

"Of course! I'm already a disappointment for being a NEET! My dad might disown me if he found out I was hanging out with a bunch of crazy chuunibyou girls!"

"Argh!" Darkness winced. "Kazuma is so direct!"

"That makes sense." Megumin nodded. "The High Priestess Touka would not approve if she discovered that her niece was a Crimson Archwizard."

"Huh?" said Kazuma.

_A little later, at the Satou household._

Kazuma's father watched as his wife prepared an unusually large meal.

"Woah, that's a lot of food," he said. "Is it some kind of occasion."

"Kazuma's bringing some friends over." The woman was in a trance-like state as she cooked.

"Ah, that's nice! Are they some of those boys from that virtual club guild things in games?"

"They're girls," said Kazuma's mother. "Girls from his afterschool club."

Kazuma's father spat out the water he was drinking.

"WHAT?"  
Kazuma's little brother, Kazuto(Remember him?) walked into the kitchen.

"Why is there water on the floor?" he said.

His mother chuckled and handed him a cold bottled drink and a hot ramen cup.

"Why don't you eat upstairs and play some games while your brother spends time with his girls?"

"Girls?"

"Now." Kazuma's mother gave the infamous 'Do as I say or you won't even have time to scream' look.

"Yes, mom!"

**Don't accuse me of perpetuating stereotypes, half the people reading this know what I'm talking about.**

Kazuma walked up to the door.

"Ugh, I hate this wig!" Aqua scratched at her brown locks.

"Stop that!" said Kazuma. "It's your own fault for not having a liner!"

"Well, it ruins the dramatic effect!"

Kazuma knocked on the door. Almost instantly, his mother opened it.

"Hello, Kazuma! And these are…" she stopped. Standing behind her son were three very pretty girls. The first had deep brown eyes and a very ample figure, the second looked much younger but still had youthful energy to her, and the third was an older blonde girl with very well-developed features.

"Ah… uh…?" Kazuma's mother stammered. _And here I was thinking I was a failure as a parent!_

"Mom?" said Kazuma.

"Huh? Oh yes! Come in, all of you!"

"Thanks for letting us eat with you, Mrs. Satou." said the brown-haired girl. "My name is Aoi! I'm the club president."

"Well, you do seem that have that kind of look!" Kazuma's mother laughed at her own joke, while Aqua stood there confused.

"My… name… is…" the youthful girl seemed to be having trouble getting her words out as if she really wanted to say something else. "Megami."

"Hello!" said Kazuma's mother. She leaned in. "You're not jailbait, right?"

"What did you just say about my age?"

"I'm Daphne!" the blonde girl said quickly.

Kazuma raised an eyebrow. _That's her real name? I mean, she does look European…"_

Daphne cleared her throat. _I hope he doesn't realize that Daphne was my grandmother's name and my real name is Duiness Ford Lalatina!_

"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you, Daphne! I'm surprised Kazuma could handle a girl like you, with all that time being a shut-in."

"Mom!" Kazuma complained.

"Relax! I'm humanizing myself." his mother said.

_At dinner._

"Wow, you cook really well, Mrs. Satou!" said Aoi(Aqua).

"Why, thank you!" Kazuma's mother chuckled. Although everyone in the room could tell that she was silently judging the three girls, evaluating and examining every little part about them. Strangely, this caused a blush to appear on Daphne's(Darkness) face.

"So…" Kazuma's father noticed the disturbing expression on his wife's face. "What kind of club are you? I heard that you do role-playing."

"Oh yeah, that's exactly what we do!" Aoi immediately said. "We play a tabletop RPG!"

_Well, at least she's taking this seriously. _Kazuma thought.

"I see," said Kazuma's father. "What system?"

Megami(Megumin) glanced at the top of her Card. In tiny letters, she read the words _Swords of Blessing._

"Swords of Blessing." she blurted out.

"Swords of Blessing?" said Aoi. _Oh right, that's the game that I got these cards from. Wait, I don't remember all the rules! And I don't know anything about actually playing it!_

Kazuma winced. _Megumin, you idiot!_

"Ah, Swords of Blessing!" Kazuma's father laughed. "I actually played a bit of that when I was around your age, Kazuma."

_Why is he telling me this now? Oh right, I'm never around._

"Yes, I was a Rune Knight." Kazuma's father scratched his chin. "Crimson Demon I believe. I always thought that race was the most fun to play."

"Absolutely!" Megami said, suddenly. "A Crimson Demon is the envy of other races! Outcast from normal society, destined to amass unimaginable power!" Megami realized she was posing. Kazuma's father laughed.

"You're pretty good at that," he said. Out of the blue, he peered through a gap in his fingers. "But the trick is to lift the endings of certain words and lower the ends of others to reflect the tone of what you say."

"I shall remember that!" said Megami. "My character is an archwizard who specializes in Explosion magic!"

"Explosion magic?" said Kazuma's father. "Strange. I've never actually seen anyone use that. Too high of a mana cost. Then again, they probably changed it in the later editions."

_Later editions? I just bought the first one I saw on the shelf!_

"Well, Daphne's a Native Knight who specializes in defense, as in she can't actually hit anything," said Kazuma. "I'm a Reincarnated Adventurer. I'm going for a swordmage type style with no shield."

"Adventurer, huh? You know, the lore always said that Adventurer the weakest class, but everybody who played always came up with such creative Skill combinations, that we were convinced that it was the strongest class. It was very hard to play, though." Kazuma's father thought back.

In fact, he didn't notice Aoi had vanished from the table.

"Strange," said Kazuma. _That useless goddess!_

_Meanwhile…_

Aqua had dashed upstairs, frantically scratching her wig.

"Ugh, this thing is the worst!"

Kazuto whistled as he stretched his arms back after a good session of playing his favorite MOBA. While he wasn't as into video games as his brother, Kazuto loved a good relaxing game of League of Legendary Heroes of the Blizzard. Just then, he heard a girl's voice from the bathroom. He walked out, tossing the bottle and empty ramen cup into the trash.

"Finally, I can get rid of this thing!"

There was a brown-haired girl in the bathroom. _Must be one of Kazuma's friends._

Suddenly, the girl's hair fell straight off her head, revealing a waterfall of beautiful blue locks.

"Ah, that's better!" the girl ran her fingers through her hair, admiring herself in the mirror. "Honestly, making a goddess wear that horrible thing is a sin in itself!"

Aqua then noticed a brown-haired boy, around 13 years old, staring right at her.

"Oh!" Aqua scrambled to get her wig back on. "Hello there! You must be Kazuma's brother!"

_Meanwhile…_

"So, you plan on being a professional shogi player?" said Kazuma's mother.

"Uh, maybe?" said Megami. "I mean, it really depends…"

"GODDESS AQUA!?"

They heard the voice of Kazuma's little brother from upstairs.

"Oh no," said Kazuma.


	15. Meet the Satous!

"Erm… excuse me!" Kazuma dashed off before anyone could ask any questions.

Everyone who was left sat in silence.

"So…" Kazuma's mother suddenly gave a piercing glare to Daphne. "What kind of plans do _you _have for the future?"

"Well…" She fidgeted. "I always imagined myself married to someone else…"

Kazuma's mother raised an eyebrow. _Alright. From what I already know, she's the submissive type. She'd probably end up having the most kids with Kazuma. Megami, on the other hand, is far more eccentric. A shogi player would make a lackluster wife at best, not to mention she seems to have a strange affinity for weird poses. Finally, there's Aoi. Well, she's a flake so that's an automatic no._

_Meanwhile, upstairs._

"Eh? What?" said Aqua.

"Goddess Aqua! You have returned!" Kazuto dropped to his knees.

"Well, this is a surprise." Aqua chuckled. "So, fair boy, what business do you have with the divine?"

Kazuto's face fell.

"It's me! Kazuto Satou!" he pulled out the same black book. "I met you a few years ago, and you gave me the Holy Text of Axis!"

"Huh? Oh right, you're _that kid_! Sorry, I have so many followers that I sometimes forget about them!"

Just then, Kazuma came running up the stairs.

"Aoi? What's going…" he looked at this little brother, holding the Holy Text of Axis outstretched. "Oh no."

"Big brother!" said Kazuto. "You didn't tell me you knew the goddess Aqua!"

"Goddess?" Kazuma raised an eyebrow. "She's a seventeen-year-old with a goddess complex and severe chuunibyou. She's also useless at everything."

"Hey!" said Aqua.

"What are you talking about?" Kazuto opened the book to a specific page and presented it to his brother. "You can see her godly power right here!"

"Oh… my." Kazuma blushed.

"Ah, feeling a little hot, eh Kazuma?" Aqua chuckled. "You are a teenager, so there's no way I could blame you!"

"Gah…" Kazuma coughed. "Kazuto. Never show me that image ever again."

"I read this book every time I go to bed." Kazuto hugged the book to his body. "I've memorized every single line, taken every bit of knowledge to heart. I even sometimes touch myself with it and think about my beautiful goddess…" Kazuto let out a lewd sigh.

"So that's why you say a weird prayer every time you drink water. And why you set up that shrine in the living room," said Kazuma.

"Anyway, it's great to see you again, Aqua!" Kazuto turned to her. "I have followed your instructions to the letter, and my life has seen a significant increase in overall happiness and purity!"

"How did you two know each other anyway?"

_Meanwhile…_

"So, Daphne." Kazuma's mother set her cup on the table. "Are you single?"

"Why, yes," said Daphne.

"What about concerning your virginity?"

Kazuma's father spat out his water.

"What? Erm… that's a little personal, honey."

His wife sent him a glare that shut him right up.

"Of course I'm a virgin. In fact..." Daphne exhaled sharply. "I imagined my virginity being stripped away from me in such a manner that would shame every generation preceding!"

"What?" said Kazuma's father.

Just then, Aoi and a blushing Kazuma walked into the room.

"See you later, Kozu!" Aoi chuckled. "Your younger son definitely well-raised, Mrs. Satou!"

"Why thank you!" Kazuma's mother chuckled. _A sweet-talker. Typical._

"Kazuma could definitely learn a few things from little Kazuto! Specifically how to treat a lady…"

Kazuma's father stood up in his chair with an intimidating sneer.

"Ehehe… was it something I said?" said Aoi

"The Satou family yearns for true gender equality." Kazuma, his mother, father, and brother (from upstairs) all recited in unison. "We have no patience for those who go on about privilege when it suits them, and then whine about 'not being a man' when it's convenient!"

"Ah…" Aqua opened her mouth and closed it before sitting back down.

_A little bit later…_

"It was a pleasure having you all over!" Kazuma's mother said with her increasingly toxic smile.

"It was great being here as well…" Megami tried to keep smiling as she walked out the door behind her friends.

Kazuma's mother shut the door behind her.

"I think Daphne would be the best." she thought out loud. "I suppose I should start going to bed…"

Just then, she heard shouting outside the door. She glanced out the window to see Aoi pulling off her hair.

"Thank the heavens! I hate this stupid wig!"

Her job dropped when she saw Aqua's long blue hair.

"Finally!" said Megumin. "Talking like that was a nightmare!" she pulled on a large hat. "And I miss my hat!"

Most surprisingly Daphne was blushing heavily and reaching down her body.

"Being societally restrained like that was even more intense than being literally restrained!" Darkness's eyes were closed and her breaths came in short pants. "I can't wait to see Mrs. Satou again! I bet she's just aching to ravage my untainted body!"

_She does have an untainted body… GAH! Stop thinking like that! You don't want to go to jail again!_

Just then, somewhere down the street, there was a black-haired boy running alongside a white-haired girl and two other girls in maid outfits.

"MEGUMI! DARKNESS! AQUA!" he yelled.

"Subaru?" said Megumin.

"IT'S LIGHT'S SHINIGAMI STAND! IT'S RUNNING AFTER US! RUN FOR IT!"

_Stand? Is that an Evangelion reference?_

Kazuma dashed down the hall, wearing some kind of fantasy attire and sporting a shortsword.

"Hang on guys! I'm coming!" he rushed out the door, ignorant of her mother's gaze. Kazuto rushed out after him.

"Goddess Aqua! As your loyal follower, I will protect you in the name of Axis!" he said.

Kazuma's mother blinked, sat down, and took a bottle of an unknown alcoholic beverage. She opened the bottle and took a drink.

**CHUUNIBYOU VISION ACTIVATE**


	16. May god have mercy on this love triangle

Kazuma and friends quickly caught up to Subaru and friends.

"What the heck is going on here?" said Kazuto.

"It's a bit of a long story!" said Subaru. Rem and Ram were hurling magical attacks at the invisible Stand.

"Hey, who's this?" Emelia looked at Kazuto.

"My name is Kozu! I am a holy warrior of Axis!"

"He's my little brother," said Kazuma.

"Interesting…" said Subaru. "A little brother would imply that Kazuma has been demoted to supported character rank, but we're still all front and center! Now I have an even less sense of who the main character is!"

"Crystal Shotgun!" Emelia shot another round of crystals that shattered in midair. "It's no use! This Stand is way stronger than Misa's!"

"Wrathful Smite!" Kozu pulled out a fake sword and struck the invisible being, sending an explosion of light in every direction.

"Tinder!" Kazuma shot a bolt of fire that pathetically deflected off the entity.

"Oh, he must be weak to Holy Magic!" said Subaru. "Aqua! Use Turn Undead!"

"You're not the one giving orders here!" said Aqua.

The Stand sent a straight punch to Aqua's stomach.

"Doh!"

"Ugh, seriously?" Kazuma groaned. "Megumin! Let's start charging!"

"Got it!"

Aqua quickly got her sense together and somehow pulled her staff out of nowhere.

"Turn Undead!"

A beam of light shot out of the ground.

"It missed!" said Emelia.

"It's not my fault!" Aqua whined. "I can't see it!"

"I've got it!" Kozu pulled a small card out of his pocket. "Come forth! Chunchunmaru!"

"Chunchunmaru?" said Kazuma.

A small black bird flew out of Kozu's item bag, spreading its wings above the Stand.

Puck mewed. (A Yokai Stand! Specifically, a Yosuzume!)

"Since this foul creature is a god of death, then a death bird is definitely the best way to defeat it!" Kozu proudly stated.

"Are you sure about that?" said Ram.

Chunchunmaru cawed and dive-bombed the Kami Stand. If Kazuma could actually see what was going on, he would see a furious exchange of blows.

"Now's our chance!" Subaru pointed his fingers in a gun shape. "Spirit Gun!"

A red sphere of energy shot out of his fingertips and blasted off the Stand, which was distracted by Chunchunmaru. they quickly escaped soon after.

"Come forth, the Kingdom of Demise!" said Megumin

"Arise, land of all hope!" said Kazuma.

"Join the eternal bonds of unity and split the universe down the middle!" They shouted together. "Combination attack: Double-Helix Fission Explosion!"

A fantastic burst of colors and spirals danced across the air, striking the Stand with an expansion of light and heat, culminating in a tremendous shockwave.

"Phew!" said Aqua as their running slowed to a walk. Kazuma and Megumin fell down next to each other.

"Hey, Kazuma?" said Megumin.

"Yes, I'm Kazuma."

"Let's go on a date."

"Okay." _I'm not the spineless type who'll say "What? Now?" I won't play dumb after all that. And besides, long drawn-out confession speeches are overrated._

Just then, Aqua dashed over and yelled "Sacred Turn Undead" before immediately running back. "See? I just finished off the Stand!"

"You're amazing, Goddess Aqua!" Kozu said with sparkles in his eyes.

"I think you did most of the work," said Subaru.

"Hey!" said Aqua.

Rem took a glance at Kazuma and Megumin giving each other loving expressions while lying on the ground.

"Subaru, I like you!" she said.

Subaru's eyes widened in surprise.

"What?!"

"Let's go on a date, Subaru-kun!" she gave him a warm smile.

"Uh… thanks Rem." Upon closer inspection, Aqua noticed that Subaru seemed genuinely afraid, almost as if he knew something horrible was going to happen. "But I love Emelia!"

Emilia's elf ears perked up.

"What?!" she said.

Rem's eyes fell.

Subaru shuffled over to Emilia.

"So…" he said. "Wanna go on a date?"

"I'm flattered…" Emelia cringed. "But I love Rem."

"WHAT?!" Subaru and Rem exclaimed simultaneously.

The three involved parties stood in a circle.

"Well… Who could've seen this coming?"

Darkness rubbed her chin.

"I get the weird feeling we're forgetting something…" said Darkness.

"I think I may know what that is," said a strange new voice.

Everybody turned and noticed Roswaal staring at all of them

"While I'm quite satisfied as to how things turned out, I have a feeling that things could have turned out betteeeeer," he chuckled. "That's why I think it's best we start from the beginning once more!"

"Huh?" said Subaru.

Roswaal clicked his fingers.

**Okay… now for an explanation.**

** Since I started this story, I've learned a lot about writing comedy, themes, and other things. I realize that if I could do this story over again, I could make it a lot better. So, I'm scrapping the current plotline, and starting fresh with a new one. Now, I'm going to ask everyone to add their suggestion. Should I start the new story on **_**this **_**story, or should I make a new one altogether? Either way, I'm making a new version of this story with Re: Zero.**

** Now… forgive me for sounding needy, but PLEASE write SPECIFIC reviews! I need the best criticism I can get from this site!**


	17. Author’sNote

**Alright everyone, I've decided. In addition to a redux of this story, I will write several smaller stories for different franchises, including Re Zero, Overlord, and others. They will all take place simultaneously in the same high school. While each will be a standalone story, you can also read multiple in order to see more events relating to certain characters. I will do everything in my power to ensure that each individual story is fantastic on its own, and the larger story feels novel and rewarding to read.**

**In other news, the first chapter of the Re Zero story is almost done, and I'll be posting it ASAP. One last question, which I'll be making a poll for.**

**Do you want me to delete the old Konosuba story before I write the new one, or should I add the new one in addition to the old one? I'll label the old chapters as (Old) so new readers can decide what to read on their own?**

**I'll post voting instructions once I set up the poll. I imagine it'll be around two weeks from now due to recent events. **

**Thank you for reading, and have a good day. **

**PS: If you want some more Konosuba, you can read "Back to the future of this Wonderful World" or "Another Blessing to this Wonderful World", both chronicling the adventures of Kazuma and Megumin's daughter, Kizui, as well as Darkness and Aqua's daughter, Grace.**


	18. Second Note

**Okay, here are the voting instructions:**

**Just PM me what you want me to do and I'll add them up on April 5th.**


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